Page 18 of Otter Heart
Five footsteps and a door chime later, he was gone.
Most likely I’d never see him again.
Chapter Eight: Adam
“You’ve been quiet today,” Rowan observed.
He and I were sitting on a blanket in the sand, a large umbrella popped over top of us. James was only a couple feet away splayed out on a beach chair. He was lying on his stomach so that his back could get some sun.
“Sorry,” I murmured, shaking myself out of it. “Just thinking.”
“About what?”
I thought about telling Rowan what had happened at the coffee shop. How Mateo had complimented me not once, buttwice. And how Iknewhe was flirting with me even though I wouldn’t allow myself to flirt back. It just turned the entire exchange awkward, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. How do you tell a man you just met that you aren’t dating because you’re a piece of shit person who needs to fix himself? If some guy told me that I would’ve run for the hills.
“It’s nothing,” I replied, waving him off. “Nothing I can do anything about right now, anyway.”
I leaned back on my elbows, staring out over the waves that sparkled in the sunlight. A new thought suddenly struck me. A loophole in my plan.
“Well, maybe that’s not true,” I continued. “I guess I’vebeen thinking a lot about what you guys said the other day. About how I’m closed off to everyone.”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I’ve been trying to dial back the sass and the rude comments,” I shrugged. “That’s a bit easier than the other stuff. I just try not to talk as much.”
Rowan furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t think we were telling younotto talk anymore.”
“I know you weren’t. But while I’m learning to be…nicer, it’s just easier to stay quiet.”
“Okay.”
“But I don’t know how to practice the opening up part. You know me, Booboo. I don’t really like people that much and the ones I do, I like to keep things light.”
“I know you really well.”
“Yeah, but that’s because I met you before I knew better,” I sighed. “College is easy to make friends and open up. You’re coming of age together and it just feels natural to share too much.” I glanced in his direction, noticing the frown on his face. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I did. I love having you in my life. But… well… people since then haven’t been as nice.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Working at a big company is like being in high school again. I found myself being fake with people because I had to work with them whether I liked it or not. And it was better that they knew as little about me as possible. People can be ruthless when the economy is bad and there are fewer promotions available.” I took a deep breath, hissing it out through my teeth. “And I guess I started doing that with my dating life too without realizing it. At first, I wasn’t really looking for the perfect guy to settle down with forever. I was too young, and I wanted to have fun. But the longer it went on, the more distant I became.” I let my head tilt back toward the sky, the blue above me seemingly endless. “There are some guys I dated for a month or more and didn’t even know their last name or the color of their eyes.”
“The answer seems pretty obvious,” James inserted, turning his head to face us. “Date someone and open up to them. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere.”
Another sigh. “That’s what I’m trying toavoid,” I groaned. “Another meaningless relationship.”
“It won’t be meaningless. You’ll be using it to learn about yourself and practice being less closed off.”
“Isn’t that justusingsomeone then?”
“And what you were doing beforewasn’tusing them?”
My face fell.
“I’m not saying it to be mean,” James added. “Really, I’m not. But all dating is practice. You’re spending time with people to figure out what you like and what you don’t. When you find the right one, things click. And when they don’t, you move on. Everyone knows that dating is trial and error. If they think you’re supposed to wait around for Mr. Right andonlydate him, they’re stupid.” He gave me a soft smile. “So, you’re not using people. Date someone you’re genuinely interested in and practice being open. See how it goes and then you can figure out what kind of step to take next. But sitting here beating yourself up for past mistakes is gonna get you exactly nowhere.”
“He’s got a point,” Rowan added. “And who knows? Maybe you’ll do what I did.”
“What was that?”
