Page 48 of Otter Heart
However, just the thought of him moving onto thenextman made my skin crawl. I was becoming more and more aware with every passing day that I didn’t want to let him go. This arrangement of ours was quickly worming its way into the deepest places of my heart.
After just a few weeks of seeing Adam, I was starting to think that I’d like to spend the rest of my life with him if he’d let me. I sort of hoped he felt the same. But this sudden incessantneed of his to doeverythingfor me was putting a damper on things. Once we talked everything through, then I’d figure out what I was going to tell him.
Until then, it was just another date night with Adam. Best to keep my feelings tucked away for the moment until we got over this little hurdle. After all, he might not react well to what I had to say, and that was something I needed to be aware of before I let myself get too lost in my own feelings.
Twenty minutes later Adam was knocking at my door with grocery bags in hand. From the sound of the rustling plastic, he hadn’tonlygotten milk and paper plates. It sounded like he’d bought enough to fill my entire pantry.
“Are we feeding an army tonight?” I asked, stepping aside as he headed down the hallway.
“I didn’t get that much,” he replied, placing it all on the counter. Bags rustled some more as he began to unpack. “I got the paper plates and the milk. And then I thought it would be nice to get some treats for Bessie and some treats for us. Oh, and I remembered that you were low on butter the last time I was here, so I grabbed some of that. And–”
“Adam,” I said, my fingers gripping the edge of the counter a little harder than I anticipated. I fought to keep my voice steady. “You really don’t need to do all that. I already planned to take a trip to the store later this week.”
“It was no trouble.”
“I appreciate it. But…”
The rustling stopped. “But what?”
I took a deep breath. “Well, it just makes me feel a little bad, you know? You don’t have a job right now and I’ve got more money than I need. At least let me pay you back.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“No, Adam. I really want to.” I was doing my best to keep myself under control. “Please.”
“It’s fine.”
“Adam,” I said, my voice firm.
There was a long pause.
“Are… Are you mad at me?”
Another sigh as my chest tightened. “I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want you doing all this for me. The whole point of tonight was for you to come over and relax while I made you dinner. I already have everything I need.”
“I just wanted to make things easier for you.” There was a hurt tone in his voice that reminded me so much of my mother when she didn’t get her way. Despite my best intentions, I felt the heat rising in my chest. “I know stuff can be difficult for you–”
“Because I’m blind?” I snapped. “Is that it?”
Silence.
“It isnotharder for me to clean a plate than it is for you, Adam. I don’t know how many times I have to tell seeing people this before they’ll get it. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I don’t need help or for someone to make things easy.”
“I…” Adam faltered, his voice shaky. “I was just trying to be nice.”
“Well, what you don’t realize is that you being nice means I get treated like an invalid. I’m not a vegetable Adam. I just can’t fucking see.”
I could almost hear the lump rising in his throat. He took in a sharp breath and the moment I heard it, my sudden burst of anger melted into a puddle of shame.
“Adam,” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.” I pulled one of the stools away from the counter and sat down, burying my face in my palms. “I just… I’m so fuckingtiredof people thinking I can’t take care of myself.”
“I know you can… I just wanted to be useful to you.”
“I don’t need someone to be useful to me,” I replied. “In fact, in this situation, I’m the one that’s supposed to be useful toyou, remember?”
“I just–”
“Listen,” I said, interrupting him. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it. But I’m a grown man. I’ve been blind for over a decade, so I know how to take care of myself. And I take a lotof pride in being independent. It took me years to prove to my parents that I could live alone and even now they hound me and try to talk me into moving back home. But I want to have my own life and the last thing I need is someone babying me thinking they’re doing me a favor.” I glanced up at him, knowing he was only a few feet away. “Do you understand?”
