Page 2 of Otter Heart
Me: Do I hear wedding bells?
Rowan: Not yet ;) But I’ll let you know when. I need you to be my best man, don’t I?
Me: Yeah.
Rowan: Are you sure you’re okay?
Me: Yeah. I’m sure.
I paused again as an idea struck me. It was sort of sudden and maybe a little crazy, but I was feeling vulnerable. WheneverI felt vulnerable, I did things without thinking.
Me: I think I’m going to come down to the cabin.
Rowan: Oh cool! For the weekend?
Me: No.
I took a deep breath to steady my nerves as I typed the rest of my response.
Me: Permanently.
???
It took less than a week to get everything approved at work and the paperwork submitted to the apartment leasing office. I was to start full-time remote work on Monday and I was breaking my lease. I’d already dished out the cash and began listing my furniture in an online marketplace. The vultures descended quickly and by the end of the next week, I had nothing left but my clothes, a few keepsakes, and my books. All of which I’d already packed into my car.
I dropped off my keys, texted my friends goodbye, and drove out of the city, heading south along the Lake Michigan coastline. My family thought I was crazy, of course. Who just up and quits their job, sells everything they own, and goes to live in a cabin on the lake at thirty-three? I had my whole life in front of me, sowhywould I throw it all away?
And honestly, I couldn’t explain it to them. How do you tell everyone in your life that you’re starting over? That you need a blank slate and a new life? And how would I explain that I was doing all of this because I was convinced that I was irreparably broken?
For the past two weeks, I’d been obsessing over the night of my birthday party. I replayed those words over and over in my head, trying desperately to figure out what they meant.
Are you really so blind that you can’t see what kind of guyyou are?
I tried texting him, asking him to explain. However, after the third message, my texts began to bounce. He’d blocked me. So now I was stuck with his words in my head and exactly one hundred failed relationship attempts to prove he was right.
How could I argue with that kind of evidence?
Clearly something was wrong with me. I knew I was broken in some way and somehow blind at the same time to my own damage. After agonizing over it, I figured there was only one option.
Reinvention of the self.
It sounded stupid and woo-woo, but that was the only logical conclusion I could come up with. I left everything behind, and I was ready to rebuild myself from the ground up. The only things I was bringing from my old life were my clothes, my car, and my best friend, Rowan. I was going to lean on him and his partner to help me figure it all out. Of course, Rowan agreed to the job happily. That man would do anything for me. I had to admit, I was a little jealous of him and James. They seemed so happy together. But if they could overcome all their own odds, then maybe they could teach me to do the same. Either way, I’d made an oath to myself.
No boys for at least a year.
It felt like a death sentence for my cock. That should’ve been the last thing I was worried about, but I liked sex.A lot.But maybe that was part of the problem. If guys thought I was just playing with them instead of being serious, then maybe I needed to tone that down. Either way, I already had a fleshlight on the way along with a couple cock rings, three bottles of fancy lube, and a small buttplug that I was almost certain I wouldn’t use. I was a top, so putting things in my butt wasn’t really my vibe. But I wanted to be prepared. Maybe my reinvented self would be a bottom. I had no idea.
Honestly, I was so confused by the whole thing that I didn’t know which way was up. Every fucking facet of my personality was on surveillance, and I couldn’t find anythingthat seemed suspect. Then again, if my ex was right, I wouldn’t see it even if it hit me in the face.
So, fuck my life, I guess, right?
“Stop,” I muttered to myself, taking a right to continue following the coastline south.
I was tired of beating myself up constantly. Maybe I deserved it, but I was still exhausted. I needed something to take my mind off things. Glancing out toward the golden sand giving way to crystalline blue water all the way to the horizon, I had a thought.
Maybe I should visit the beach?
I wasn’t dressed for it, and I was eager to get to the cabin and get unpacked. But at the same time, I’d been in the car nearly all day and the cabin wasn’t going anywhere. It was a gorgeous late June day without a cloud in the sky. The sun was hot as it filtered through the driver’s side window, and I could already feel the sweat gathering around my lower back. A cool dip in the lake, even just a quick one, sounded heavenly.
