Page 12 of Otter Heart
Chapter Six: Adam
“Ijust don’t understand why you left,” my mother said on the other end of the line, the disapproval in her voice all too clear. “You had a good job and a nice apartment. Everything was going well for you. What could there possibly be down in Ludington that you can’t get up here?”
Love. Maybe a sense of self. And of course, a fresh start. But none of those things would be satisfying to her.
“I needed to try something new,” I sighed. “I felt stagnant up there.”
“Something new?” she scoffed. “So put some jello in your pants and call it a day! You gave up everything just totry something new?!”
“Mom,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. “This is what I want, okay? Besides making me feel bad about it now won’t change anything. I already sold it all and quit my job. There’s no going back.”
“You could always come live here,” she offered. That woman had been trying to get me to move back home since my father fucked off. “I’ve got your old room just the way you left it.”
“Right. Just what a thirty-three-year-old guy wants. To live with his mom and sleep in a twin bed with Disney sheets.”
“You love those Disney sheets!”
Another sigh. “Yeah. I do. But that’s not the point.”
“No, the point is that you’re having a mid-life crisis a decade too early and I’m worried about you.” She lowered hervoice. “Is something wrong? Likereallywrong?”
“I’m not sick if that’s what you’re going to ask. And yeah, something is wrong, but it has nothing to do with you. I just… I had to get something figured out for myself.”
“What does Josh think about all this?”
Fuck. I’d forgotten she knew my ex’s name.
“He’s… not in the picture anymore. He broke up with me before I quit my job.”
“Oh honey,” she cooed. “Is that what all this is about? Boys?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose again. How this woman always managed to find the source of the problem was beyond me. It was like she was a goddamn mind reader. It was the most irritating shit in the world. There was no keeping secrets from her.
“Mom… it’s not…” I let out a long sigh realizing I had no choice but to tell the truth. “Do you know how many guys I’ve dated since college?”
“A few,” she replied, clearly holding back.
“That’s generous of you to say. But no. I’ve dated exactlyone hundredmen, Mom. Ahundredof them.” There was a long pause as I felt the familiar tightness grip my chest. “And not a single one of them wanted to stay with me.”
“Honey… I’m sure you just–”
“Mom,” I said, cutting her off. “Don’t tell me I just haven’t met the right guy yet. How many men did you date before you married Dad?”
“Three,” she sighed. “Although I obviously didn’t choose the right guy since he’s gone.”
“Maybe not, but at least he stuck around for more than a couple months,” I said, exasperated by this entire conversation. “You two were together fortwenty years! Obviously, something was right about it!”
“And yet, he still left. Apparently, I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. The last thing I expected him to do was run off the moment you came out.”
There was that guilt again, tearing at my insides.
“I’m sorry–” I began.
“No,” she said, cutting me off. “Don’t ever apologize for being who you are. Nobody shouldeverhave to apologize for that. Your father is an asshole. End of story. If he was even half the man I thought he was, he would’ve accepted you with open arms and told you that he loved you no matter what.”
I could hear the sadness in her voice, and it pulled at my heartstrings. I always thought the pair of them were inseparable. A love forged to last the ages. But when Dad wanted to disown me after I came out, Mom told me she had no choice but to send him packing. I was her priority and nothing, not even my own father, was going to take me away from her. That’s why I knew, no matter how much she pestered me, she loved me more than anything else in the world.
“I understand you’re feeling a bit lost,” she went on to say. “I get it. I really do. I feel lost myself some days. But honey, I don’t think running away from your life is going to fix it. There can’t be many men down there to even date.”
