Page 60 of A Duke Reformed
But Solomon hadn't yet decided what to do with the feelings that had crept up on him. He had not reached the point where he could admit to himself...much less to her what she had come to mean to him. He had been buying time, telling himself he'd figure it out eventually. He always did. But now...he didn't have to. Emma was engaged. She had moved on, made her choice, and that spared him the burden of having to make any difficult decision at all.
It should have felt like relief.
Instead, it felt like the walls were closing in on him. He felt fury and guilt. It was ruining him.
"I'm pregnant!"
Emma froze for a split second before her smile widened. "Lavinia! That's wonderful news!" she gasped with wide eyes, setting her teacup down. "My goodness, I am so happy for you."
"Thank you," Lavinia answered, giggling as she fiddled with her teacup. "Andrew does not know yet. He's currently in Northen England with Solomon for a business venture. I'll be meeting him there. We'll spend a few days in the countryside enjoying thepeace and tranquility. But I'm not quite sure. Should I tell him we're expecting before or after his meeting?"
Lavinia set her teacup down as she continued. "Apparently, they are meeting a mysterious businessman there called the Duke of Walford. Andrew has never met the man. He rarely leaves his estate in the countryside..."
Lavinia's words trailed off as Emma settled into her own thoughts. Nothing had truly changed, not in the way that mattered. Life had continued, yes. She woke each morning, said her prayers, knitted, visited her friend, and continued attending Season's events. On the surface, she was functioning, perhaps even thriving. But beneath it all, the ache remained.
The distance she had created between herself and Solomon had been necessary. It was the only way she could breathe without feeling as though the air was stolen from her lungs. Without the intensity of his presence or the complication of his gaze, she had begun to sleep better at night. Her heart no longer thudded in painful protest when she walked into a room wondering if he'd stand too close to her again.
But that didn't mean her feelings had changed. They hadn't. She still loved him.
But it was a quiet sort of love now, tucked away in the corners of her heart where no one could reach. It didn't scream or demand or throw itself about the way it had in those final days she spent in his presence. But it lived on. Stubborn and resolute, clinging to the memory of his kiss that had felt too right. His touch thathad unraveled her, and the memory of a man who had, in the end, could not love her back.
"Was it when I mentioned Solomon?" Lavinia's voice, coupled with her hand on Emma's lap pulled her out of her thoughts. "Is that it? Is that what stilled you?"
Emma forced a smile, shaking her head. "I am so happy for you, Lavinia. You're going to be a mother of two now! Two very beautiful children."
"Thank you. But we are talking about you now."
"Can we not?" Emma asked and groaned. "I came here to talk about you. You're leaving London soon and God knows when I'd see you again."
"I won't be gone very long," Lavinia said to her. "Andrew and I still have business in London. So, we will be back. I hear Alice is coming to London as well, once Victor is back from his business ventures."
"That's wonderful, I miss Alice," Lavinia said.
"Me too," she answered. "But I also miss the version of Emma who hide nothing from us. Where did this wall come from?"
Emma shifted where she sat. "There's no wall."
"There is a wall. I see it. I feel it. And I don't like it." She reached forward and touched Emma's hand. "You've changed, Emma. I don't mean that as a bad thing, but something is hurting you, and you're not letting me in. You know why that troubles me? Because you were the one person I could always come to when I was having troubles with Andrew and our... arranged marriage. You listened to me. Now, let me listen to you."
Emma looked down at their hands, silent for a long moment. Then, with a sigh that came from deep within her chest, she whispered, "I fell in love with him."
"Yes, you did," Lavinia said almost immediately.
Emma's eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean 'yes, I did'. If my memory serves me right, this is the first time I am telling you of it."
"Yes, but Cecilia and I have known for weeks now," Lavinia said. "You love him, I'm glad you can now admit that to yourself."
"Nothing can come of it, Lavinia." Emma pulled her hand away gently and stood, walking toward the window. "Even if I wanted to, I'd be cruel to pursue it."
"Cruel?" Lavinia questioned, rising to her feet too.
"He doesn't want to be wedded," she said. "I want to be wedded. He doesn't want children. I want lots of children. We are sodifferent. It doesn't matter what I feel for him. I cannot force someone to bend their own rules just for my own good."
"That's not how it works, Emma," Lavinia explained. "People change. My goodness, you changed! Andrew changed after I married him. He changed me! That's what life is all about. Evolving. You need to tell him. You deserve to say it out loud. To know, truly, what he feels."
"No," Emma said gently, brushing her palms over her skirts as though trying to smooth away the ache in her heart. "It's not despair, my friend. I've truly made peace with it. My family needs me. Marriage was always a means to an end for me, a way to protect them. Now, I can do that without a husband."
"What?" Lavinia asked. "So, you are not planning to marry?"
