Page 23 of Chasing the Wild
Layla seems to have rebounded well enough after that first night—we collected her things from her snow-bound car, which I’ll get onto towing down to the shop once the road is finally clear—and I haven’t wanted to pry any further as to why things overwhelmed her the way they did.
Jesus, I know well enough the way the mind can be a terrible place to be.
Right after Kayce was born was when the attacks used to hit the worst. I’d find myself losing it over the smallest thing. Hearing a loud noise, or another baby crying, or the thick perfume of lilies delivered to congratulate new parents who had no business being parents at all.
I never wanted to have kids. Does that make me a terrible person? But when you’re raised by a man who loved nothing more than to lose himself in a bottle and then smack his own grandson around just so he could feel like a big man, well, it changes your perspective on what you want from life.
The truth is, I was just a kid myself when Kayce’s mom came on the scene. I wasn’t interested in her bullshit, but she wore me down, and when you’re seventeen and dealing with years of neglect, there inevitably comes a moment when you finally let your guard slip.
It was meaningless. Only ever meant to be aone timething. She told me she was on birth control, and who fucking knows, she either lied or wasn’t reliable enough taking it. Either way, despite the fact I’ve always insisted on using protection to be certain, it didn’t fucking matter. In the end I was doubly fucked. The condom broke, and Kayce arrived, and I felt like my life was over before it even began.
But you’re not supposed to think like that, are you? Everyone expects you to be happy, and I don’t regret his life, but I had to learn to reconcile how I imagined mine would be with the reality growing in front of my eyes week by week.
Then I went and fucked it all up more by convincing myself that my own kid would be better off without me. I had no one but a messed up grandfather as a role model. Who was I to be a parent? I hadn’t even turned eighteen yet, and back then, I could barely afford to buy myself my own pickup.
Shawn went off to the Midwest, with big dreams of her perfect life as a new mom and making a fresh start, and instead, she drowned herself in pill bottles rather than being a parent. We weren’t in contact much so the years trickled by, as they do, without me suspecting anything.
It wasn’t until Kayce was too old and hated my guts too deeply that I found out how shit of a job she was doing. Offering to have him come and live with me did nothing, the kid didn’t even want to know me by that stage, and I don’t blame him.
So, when I got the call a few months ago that he needed a place to land and someone to help him out, I couldn’t say no to the person I’d failed so many times before.
Now? Now, what am I doing? I’m staring at his girl’s ass while walking into the barn and fighting back the urge to pin her against the stalls while I sink into her.
“Saddle up Winnie and Peaches. We’ll take the girls out.” I fiddle with my hat. Lifting it enough to dig my fingers through my hair before shoving it back on.
“You got it, boss.” Layla scurries off to get them both ready and I can see multiple sets of ears prick up and follow her as the horses watch her work.
I grit my teeth, because it’s taking everything in me not to do the same damn thing.
After I’ve successfully worked out some frustration shoveling hay and cleaning out a couple of the stalls while Layla’s been busy, I wipe my hands on my jeans. She’s leading both horses toward me, drawing nearer to where I’ve kept to myself over by the main doors.
She’s got her plump bottom lip tugged between her teeth, and fuck me, everything about her is so sexy. How my idiot kid could let a girl like that go, I have no idea. If I were twenty years younger, she’d have been the girl of my fucking dreams.
Hell, she is right now.
Only problem is, I’m old enough to be her father, and I can’t cross that line. Kayce and I are on tenuous ground. If I even think about going there with this girl, I’ll ruin any hope of ever reconciling with my son.
But there’s no harm in spending time with her. I just have to keep my shit together.
“We’ll need to go as far round the perimeters as we can get, depending on the snow.”
“Ok.” She’s got that breathy fucking rasp in her voice again as she gazes up at me. Her long, coppery hair is in two loose braids today, and my mind is going to very bad places now that I’m seeing her up close like this.
The kind of dirty places where her hair is wrapped in my fist.
What was that about keeping my shit together?
“You might be a horse doctor, but now's the time to see if you’re a fair rider.”
She gives me a coy smile. “I can hold my own.”
“Good. Need a hand?” I reach around and stroke the warm neck of Peaches. She’s a gentle horse and careful whenever we take guests out for trail rides over the summer. But this girl is short, and I have no idea whether she’s ridden a horse of this size before.
“Maybe the first time.” She’s got a little flush high on her cheeks. I hate myself for constantly cataloging all these little details.
This feels like the day at the gas station all over again. It’s too easy to slip into being like this with her. When it’s just the two of us, and talking to her feels as smooth as honey.
Which is why I’ve tried to leave her alone as much as fucking possible this past week.
