Page 54 of Slow Burn
15
LEVI
Home. My queen had come home. Only, she was not here, in the home we had shared for the past four months. Not here, feeding our daughter, hearing her laughs and watching her make her cute face an apple squash mess. Because, for some inexplicable reason, Isabel was.
I hated it. Hated that I'd opened the door, let her in and was just watching it. As I watched her feed my daughter, I tried to calm myself. Tried once, for a few seconds, to consider that this should have been us. It felt wrong. It could never feel right without Brynn.
“Stop pouting, Levi. I told you I am going nowhere. I am sticking it out. I want to be here for her. For you.” Isabel smirked over her shoulder at me, bouncing it once.
“Don't want you here. Don't need you here. Amelia has a mother.” I barked at her for at least the dozenth time.
As if she smelled chum in the water like the shark she is, Isabel came back days after I'd kicked her off my porch. I was miserable and distraught—certainly not up to deal with her bullshit. I never saw her coming.
Armed with baby food, dinner and wine, she sweet talked her way into dinner with us. I regretted it the second she sat in the seat that had always been Brynn's. Isabel spent the entire dinner commenting on the house and how we had changed it. Erased her. Until she said it though, I had no idea how right she was.
Brynn had never been a stand in; not for me. But, she had effortlessly erased the woman I'd expected to spend my life with. The woman who should have been Amelia's mother. With nothing more than sweet smiles, wide open love and a constant warmth that had burned away the loneliness, the doubt.
“Amelia. Did she give her that name?” Isabel turned her nose up, ignoring a fussy Amelia to frown at me.
“Umm, we chose it together. That's what parents do. Also, newsflash that was my mother's name. Funny how my girl knew that but my ex-wife didn't.” God, I think I might actually hate her now.
Seeing her in the home I shared with Brynn, pretending to care about our daughter, it makes me sick. Especially when I don't know where my girl is. She could come home at any moment. Find me there with Isabel and think the worst. Not that I'd expect her to rush home after I kicked her out. Jesus, what a fool I was with women.
Did my best to keep a bad apple and tossed out a perfect peach.
After I told Brynn I didn't intend to make the same mistake twice, I did anyway. I panicked. Plain and simple. Brynn came clean, her past came with baggage and afraid of being hurt, or Amelia being hurt, I panicked and ended it. Tossed her out of the home she helped me build and forced her to say goodbye to my daughter.Our daughter.
“I wanted to name her something pretty.” My blood boils and I push off from the wall I'd been leaning against.
“Maybe you should have named her, then? What did you call her for the two months you had her?” I spit in disgust as I tower over her as I scoop Amelia up from her high chair.
“I mean...just baby. She was my baby.” Ialmostsoften. Almost; until I think about Brynn, about how she loved her without end from the first moment.
“Bullshit. Then why leave her at my doorstep? Why give her nothing? You couldn't even give her a name, Isabel. Jesus Christ. You don't love her because you don't know what love is.” I hold Amelia close, as if protecting her from the fallout I felt coming.
Isabel rose to her feet, tipping her head back. Her shoulders shook and I watched in disgust as she tried to cry. Literally worked herself up to force a few tears out. It had worked on me a few times. Now, I knew better. I'd watched a woman fall apart in front of me, made her fall apart actually, and that pain had been real and raw. Nothing Isabel could do could convince me she felt a single thing for me or Amelia.
“I tried to love you. Told you I didn't know how. I never...never had love before.” I roll my eyes and stalk away, angrier by the second.
“I wanted to love you, Iz. I tried. Tried to do it right. Make it work. You never even tried.” Isabel touches me, just my shoulder, and it feels dirty, like I'm betraying Brynn somehow.
“You were so good to me, Levi. I did try. The best I knew how. I think if I could love anyone it would be you.” I shrug her hand off and whirl to face her.
“Too late. About fourteen months too late. Should have tried to love me when I married you. Love isn't always fire and sweat and heat and need. Sometimes it’s awkward and uncomfortable and hard. But it’s more. More than you ever gave me; more than I ever gave you.” I sigh, rocking Amelia as she starts to throw a fit.
Amelia snuggles into me, but I recognize her fit. Since Brynn left, after moments that Amelia would have spent with her before—after a meal, or bath time or right before bed—she grows fussy. It doesn't amount to much, just some whimpering and some tears, but fuck, it breaks my heart. She misses her mother and that's my fault. I did this.
“Look,” I sigh, pacing the room after snatching up her favorite owl, bouncing her in my arms, “You were right from the beginning. We were never going to get it right. What we had, it was just...it burned too hot to last.” I shake my head, wishing I didn't have to go through this again. I'd had this talk with her many times. Many ways.
“What you have with her,” Isabel's pretty face twists into a mask of disgust, “that's you getting it right? Making it last?” I stiffen, twisting to face her, shaking my head in warning.
“Be careful. You know nothing about it.” I startle myself with the venom in my voice.
“I know she ain't here. She left. Did you make her leave? Like you made me? Or did she just walk out on you? On her.” She juts her chin towards Amelia and I scowl; if I was angry before I'm almost nuclear now.
“Amelia. My daughter's name is Amelia. You don't look at her, touch her, won't even say her name. But you want to be here for her? She doesn't need you. Amelia has a mother who loves her; who would do anything for her, give her anything. Who is not here because of me, not because of her. You can't even pretend to care about her. You need to go.” Isabel lets out a snort of a laugh as I move past her and I pause.
“Fine. I'm not done here. Not done with you. I wasn't done with you before, Levi. You can't throw us all away when it doesn't work the way you want it to.” Then the door slams behind her and I curse a blue streak.
