Page 51 of Slow Burn
14
BRYNN
Another hour. Another day. Another loss of hours. Like a prison cell that I hoped might rattle open soon, Boston held me captive. Two days became six then ten. Too many days lost. Because being in Boston was nothing short of a misery and staying would be a death sentence.
I almost could not leave Chicago. Nearly could not bear it. Walking out of Levi's house was the hardest thing I have ever done, next to handing my infant daughter over to strangers. Except it cut deeper because this time, I never wanted to walk away. I was given no choice.
Not by Levi. Not by Bernie. Not by my own choices.
I fled to a hotel for the first night, refusing to face Lola and Hunter. I got in and out of the condo like a ninja, thank you very much. I almost went back to Levi's—the first place I'd considered home in so long—half a dozen times that first night. Until Bernie called again.
“Looks like trouble in paradise, Gold. Come on home with Bernie, baby. Let me take care of you again. Let's forget it ever happened.” That heavy Boston accent sent disgust coiling through my limbs.
It was the first time I had answered his call in nearly a year. Surprised it took him so long to come after me, honestly. Not because either of us were deluded in the romantic status of our relationship. Just surprised his ego allowed him to wait me out so long. That ego allowed me the time I needed to set the foundation of a new life, though.
No way I could forget everything that he had done to me. That I had let him do to me. I book a flight back to Boston, before I even ended the call. I knew he would follow, I just needed to toss a few breadcrumbs.
“How about instead of forgetting, I remind you. Find me at Whitey's. See ya' soon, Bern.” It was time to start slaying dragons.
Losing everything and everyone you love, your entire family, it puts perspective on things. Last time it happened, after my brother's suicide tore our family apart, I indulged in my addictions because that perspective made me feel rotted out and lonely. Before Brad died, I complained often about being alone. Having no one. How wrong I had been.
I had Brad. I had Lola. And once upon a time, I had a precious baby girl for exactly five hours. I made a choice for her that my parents hung around my neck like an albatross of shame. And, I let them. After Brad died and Lola sunk deeper into Seth's darkness, it was all too easy.
But, Brad had loved me. I doubted it briefly after he died, but I knew better. We had been inseparable most of our lives, I was the first to meet his boyfriends and they stuck around only if they got my approval. He battled depression his whole life, and with our parents refusing to let him live his own life, instead of following their designs, he thought he had no way out.
“I will never be what they want me to be. I don't even want to try to be that.” Brad had been so self-assured, so certain about what he wanted, I'd envied him for that.
“Don't be then. Just be you. Just be amazing, perfectly imperfect you, Brad. I love you just like this.”I swore as we sat on the dock of our parent's lake house in Martha's Vineyard.
We had spent his last summer there together; he'd just finished his freshman year at University and I was heading into the toughest year of my life. I'd been pregnant, hiding from the world and he was there for me. Until one day, he wasn't. I was eight months pregnant when I woke up to an empty house and a note.
I knew what had happened the moment I found his note. Brad had a love of pills; he used them to heighten his moods or to calm them. He had been clean then though; clean and in love and ready to marry the man of his dreams. Until a late-night visit from our father; I heard the screams and accusations, the disgust and resentment.
We were not the children he wanted, so he didn't want us anymore.
To be honest, I was relieved. Tired of living up to the standards they held over us. I expected Brad to be, too. To feel free to go live his life; get married and have babies. We'd even talked about he and his fiancé taking Abbi. Seemed as much as my brother resented our parents, their disowning him was the final straw. Funny how they loved him in front of everyone else, mourning him as if it wasn't their fault he'd taken his life.
Brad's funeral felt like my own; the person I'd been died with him.
It was the last time I saw Lola before her wedding, too. I was broken and changed, pregnant and a wreck and she came when I needed her. I had no idea where she had been that summer, but it didn't matter. When I'd needed her most, Lola had been there.
Lola was the first person to make me feel like I could just be me. With her loud, brash laughter and light, her rebellious nature and sunny heart, it was hard not to embrace who you wanted to be. Even when you don't know who you want to be yet.
“Don't let this be the end for you. You still got me, China Doll.”I didn't have her for a while, but she was right, I had her. I had people.
That silly nickname of hers; felt pretty spot on then. As little girls, my mother had gifted Lola a doll that looked just like me. Gotten me one that was meant to look like Lola, too. It was kind of creepy but also the sweetest thing my mother had ever done for me.
Those dolls though, they were who our parents wanted us to be. What they wanted us to be. I knew even then, I hadn't wanted to be like that. Now, I knew just who and what I wanted to be.
I wanted to be Levi's Queen. Amelia's hero. That's who I wanted to be.
A little more than two weeks ago, I landed back in Boston. With zero intent to stay longer than necessary. I had not chosen to walk away this time, and for once, I didn't plan to let the choice be made for me.
Once I landed, I got to work. I set up a meeting with Bernie, knowing he had followed me. Bernie was hard to miss in the airport with his thick beard and scarred face. I planned to plead my case, pay them whatever it took and hope for the best.
After, I set up the sale of my loft. Hired movers to pack and ship everything that mattered to me and donated the rest. I even set up a meeting with Brad's lawyer, to finalize the last bit of his business.
What I expected to take a few days became a week, then two. I was miserable without Levi and Amelia. Had I ever doubted I might be able to come back to Boston as if my heart and soul weren't back in Chicago, I was swiftly proven otherwise.
