Page 49 of Slow Burn
I speed to Lola’s, determined to get some answers. No matter what Hunter said, I suspect Lola has some ideas where Brynn might be. I don’t know what I intend to do with the information. I am still angry and hurt. I don’t know if I can risk myself, or my daughter, like that again.
“Levi Holt,” Lola pins me with a glare that makes me squirm, despite her tiny height and us both holding babies, “Tell me what makes you think you deserve a third chance? What makes you think you deserved the first two you fucked up? I truly want you to tell me just what you did to deserve Brynn?” I wince because she’s not wrong, when I consider her question.
I spent all year chasing a girl without doing the work that sort of thing takes. I never took her out on a date, never sent her flowers or brought her candy or jewelry. I never made a point to make it about just the two of us. I picked up my broken life and tried to fit both Amelia and her into. The best way it suited me.
I never let her know, until I thought I might lose her to someone else, what she meant to me. I told her I loved her, yeah. Never showed it the way she deserved. I told her I would never walk away, that I would always want her. Yet the moment Brynn failed me, I did just that. After Brynn stayed no matter how many times I failed her.
“I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. I just…I was going crazy, Lola. I thought for sure there was someone else. I went through that before and there’s nothing like that betrayal.” Lola laughed, loud and tinny, the laugh that meant she was about to school me.
“Oh, Levi. Wrong. Want to know something about betrayal? How about the mother who gives birth to you then changes every single thing about you,” Lola pointed at herself and I nodded, having heard a little about her past, “How about a mother and a father who lose a son—who push that son to suicide because he chose a different lifestyle—then turn their back on the only person who loved him just as he was? How about a mother who arranges an adoption so you can never know your child, then deserts you the moment the ink is dry? How about a man who swooped in, promising to save her, just to take everything she had left? That is betrayal,” My throat tightens as I nod, realizing she doesn’t mean me, but she might as well.
“How about a friend who turned her back to every bit of that, despite seeing it happen right in front of her eyes? Who let her make excuse after excuse about the truth, because she was too selfish to ask the right questions?” I nod again as she bows her head, her shoulders shaking.
“Or a man who swears he loves her, would give her anything, and never walk away. Who gives her nothing and walks away the moment it gets tough. Fuck, Lola. What did I do?” Amelia starts to cry and I have to wonder if she realizes her daddy fucked up.
“We did it. We pushed her and pulled but we never gave her anywhere to go. I selfishly wanted her here. With me. I didn’t consider how hard seeing me pregnant and happy had to be.” Lola sobs, holding Ford closer, reaching a hand out to smooth it over Amelia’s head.
“I told her more than once to be here with us or not be here at all. But was I really here with her? It was months before I knew about her daughter. Even longer before I knew that traces of my whore of an ex-wife were everywhere she looked. In the home I kept asking her to feel comfortable in” Before I know it, the four of us are crying, the babies softly, and Lola harder than I, but I’m right there with them.
Instead of putting a ring on her finger, I gave her a set of keys. To a house she could never call hers. To a life she didn’t think was hers. Didn’t think she deserved. I promised my girl a castle and the fairytale but didn’t even try to battle her dragons. I watched her losing her battle, every day for weeks and I did nothing but fuck her like an animal, thinking my need to claim her meant something.
I didn’t deserve a third chance. But, Amelia, and the man I thought I could be for both my girls, did. And so did Brynn. Brynn deserved everything and this time, if I got another chance, I was going to give her everything, just like I had promised. Had to find her first, though.
“Brynn went home Levi.” I wiped my arm across my face, holding Amelia tight.
“No. Because she’s not at our place, and that is her fucking home. Now I just need to prove it to her and get it right.” I insisted.
I had gotten it wrong. And then I had almost gotten it right. I had come so close, I knew I could get it right with Brynn. I had fucked up, and so had she, but that's what people did. When it stuck, like what we had, that was just part of it.
I had to find my queen and give her that fairytale I promised her.
Before I could do that, I had to work. Which meant I had to leave my Princess, although I was riddled with guilt. Besides Gwen, no one else had ever taken care of her. Just Brynn. Just her mama. Lola gave me a moment as I struggled with letting her go, even though I knew she'd be in more than capable hands.
“Still hate me?” I paused at the door to ask, glancing back at her bright pink and teal hair and purple smiling eyes.
“Till my girl is home, I kind of hate you, yeah. Just because I love her and love you for her, and you fucked it up. It's a good hate, Levi. I got your Princess until you bring our girl home.” We exchanged a look and I knew I had to earn back more than Brynn's affections.
Brynn's entire family had abandoned her, but none of it had hurt her more than Lola's absence. I knew that. Which meant Brynn loved her more than her own blood. Had forgiven her without hesitation once Lola reached out again. I could only hope she loved me that much. Could forgive me for calling her reckless when I had been the one throwing our family away.
“You doing ok, man?” Hunter asked later that night while we headed back to the station after a call.
It was an accident on the Loop, with two young kids badly injured. He knew that shit shook me up, especially now.
“No, not really. Threw my entire fucking life away. Just because Brynn was ashamed of something from her past. Afraid to tell me. I confirmed her fears.” My voice was thick with emotion, but he didn't give me shit about it.
“Fix it then. I fucked up too. Finn totally fucked up. Cage...he didn't really do anything wrong, did he? Anyway, they were worth the effort, so we fixed it. Did what it took to make it right. Is she worth it?” I glare at him because he knows she is.
“’Course she is. Best thing to ever happen to me, besides the nugget.” Hunter leaned in, putting a heavy hand on my shoulder.
“That little girl is yours, no matter what that woman says. We protect our family, Levi. At all costs. No matter what it takes, that baby is going nowhere.” I nodded, chest tight and nose burning at the idea of anything else.
I, of course, updated the guys, and I'm sure they updated the girls, about Isabel's visit. I would not give up Amelia, even if she was not my blood. I'd spent the last five months making a home and a family for her. While the woman who gave birth to her couldn't be bothered. That had to count for something. Might have fucked up, but I was going to do right by my Princess and get our queen back.
It might take time, a lot of effort, but Hunter was right; you did what it took when they were worth it. And without a doubt, my queen was worth it.
I didn't know where she was or what she was doing, and it scared me. Terrified me to think about her running back to that piece of shit Bernie because I'd turned my back on her. Left her no choice. Just like every other miserable fuck in her life. I didn't want to be another person who asked her questions that cost her.
“I will fix it. I can't.... can't even think about me without her. Amelia without her. Those girls, they're my fucking world. I promised to give them a fairytale and I fucked up.” Hunter sighed, shoving me gently.
