Page 45 of Slow Burn
I explain it all. Abbi’s adoption and how painful it was. How my mother cared only about hiding it. Her ensuing abandonment. The loss I felt after losing what was left of my family with one choice. I leave nothing out; not the anger, guilt, shame or the pain and disgust I felt.
Levi knows some of this, of course. It’s the choices I made after he knows nothing about.
While I talk, he holds my hands tightly in his, saying nothing. I don’t know what will happen when I finish my story. But I know that having him there to listen, having those big hands holding mine, hearing his breathing as I lay my pain out piece by piece, it’s the most absolved I had ever felt.
As I begin to detail my relationship with Bernie, it changes. I see the anger and jealousy twist his handsome face. Shock. Pain. Even some good old-fashioned disgust. All of which I know I earned.
“A few weeks ago, before my crazy came out and I insisted on erasing Isabel from your home, I got a call from Brad’s lawyer. I had no idea we were set to get a trust from our Grandfather Gold’s estate. My mother spent years fighting it and lost. Just like that, I had enough money to pay Bernie back ten times over,” I sigh as I shove to my feet as my energy ramps up.
“I just know better. Bernie does not want money. I mean, I intend to ask. Intend to offer it and insist they let me go. I just doubt it is what he wants. Why follow us around if it’s just about money?” I see the moment I made the mistake; at the word ‘US’ his eyebrows hike up and he too shoots to his feet.
“Us? You mean to tell me…a crime family enforcer has been following my family? My daughter?” He darts his gaze towards her door across the hall.
“I don’t know, Levi. He says things that he can’t know unless…. I mean unless he is around.” I stop breathing as he walks gets into my space, lowering his head to glare down at me.
“How long, Brynn?” Icy steel, his voice rips through me.
“A week or two.” I wince when he curses a hot streak of anger, spinning away from me.
“Two fucking weeks? You let our daughter be in danger for two fucking weeks? Lied to me every fucking day. Looked me in my fucking face and told me you loved me, that you loved your daughter, while some crazy fuck has been following us?” I back away, suddenly terrified of the rage he’s showing.
Panic and fear drown me because he’s right. At any moment since I realized Bernie might be here, he could have hurt me. Could have hurt Amelia. I risked that because I was selfish and thought I could hide inside this fantasy. I put my innocent Princess at risk, lied to her father and cost me the best thing I had ever had.
“I am sorry. I was so stupid. I was scared. I didn’t lie to you. I love you. Both of you. So much. I just…didn’t know how to explain. How do I tell you what a fucking mess of a human being I was then? The terrible choices I made?” Levi laughs, crossing his arms at his chest and looking towards the ceiling.
“You tell me. At the beginning. You let me know about you. Let me inside, like I did. I told you everything. Even the shit that cost me. The shit I don’t tell anyone. Not even the woman I married. I gave you everything, Brynn. Would have given you any single thing you could have asked. You couldn’t even give me the truth. Couldn’t give my daughter the truth.” I bow my head and back away, my knees hitting the bed.
“I know. I know, Levi. I’m…I’m so sorry. Please…. just tell me what to do.” Just like that, the entire house goes quiet.
I don’t hear the clock ticking down the hall. Don’t hear the nursery rhymes playing on Amelia’s mobile. No traffic outside or air moving through the open windows in the kitchen. All I can hear is my heart breaking because I know his answer before he speaks it.
We look at each other and I watch our castle fall all around us. I tore it down, and it took just one small piece. All I had to do was trust him, the way he had trust me. Put them first like I pretended I’d been doing all this time. If I had been, though, I would never have risked this moment.
I would have given him every single brick he needed to make us safe as he built the castle he wanted to give us.
Levi walls himself up as I watch, taking a cue from my example. It’s the most painful sight I have ever seen. The past months of loving, touching, laughing, he tucks them away and puts faded, empty bricks in their place. When he speaks, his voice is the only part of him I recognize and it’s like a wrecking ball.
“You packed for a reason. I want you to go. I can take you hurting me. I wish it was that easy. I could take you cheating or lying or gambling, Brynn. I can’t take you hurting my daughter. I want you to go. For good. This is done.” My knees give out and I slide to the floor, missing the bed.
“Levi, please. I love you. You’re my family. You’re all I have. Please don’t…” Levi turns his back to me, pausing at the doorway.
“I fucking love you Brynn. I would never have walked away if it was just about me. But I told you…it’s about us. And I won’t let you hurt my daughter. I won’t let you risk her like this again. I’ll let you say goodbye to her. Then I want you gone. I’ll sleep in her room tonight.” Then he’s gone and for the third time, he takes my heart with him.
Only now, it’s not whole and it won’t ever be again.
This time, I stay. I don’t leave until the next morning, after I get up with Amelia. Not that I slept the night before. I couldn’t bear to climb into the bed we had shared; in fact, I don’t think I ever moved from the spot he had left me in.
I wake up early and Levi’s gone, but I know he’ll be back. He’s letting me having some time with her and I need it. I change her and put her in the last outfit I bought for her, just days before on our shopping outing with Lola and Ford.
“Hey Princess. I love you, baby. I love you more than I thought I could love another soul. I may not be your mama but I feel like I could have been. I wanted it, Amelia. I wanted you and your daddy and us, so bad. Not bad enough, I suppose. I was so ashamed…to show you both my scars, my mistakes, and that cost me everything. I won’t ever regret this, but I will regret being so weak. Not being strong enough for you,” I choke back sob when she touches her forehead to mine, cooing nonsense.
“You deserve a queen and a castle and the entire fantasy, baby. I wanted to give it to you and I am so sorry I can’t. So sorry I couldn’t slay my dragons for you. I let them in our walls and for that…I won’t ever forgive myself. I love your daddy. With my whole soul. There is only room for the two of you in my heart and that won’t ever change. I will miss all your moments and I won’t get them back and for that…. I won’t slip again, though, baby girl.” I promise her as I cradle her close, rocking us in the corner chair.
And I know that I mean that; I won’t ever be the same broken girl again.
Losing them is harder than anything, even giving up my daughter. Because I got to experience them. Got to laugh with them, hold them, know what it was like to be loved by them. That will change me forever. I will never regret this time with them, and I know it’s because they changed me forever.
Whatever happens, I will always love them. Will always know how lucky I was to have them and be in their world for so long. It was precious and special and healed me in ways I didn’t deserve. I won’t tarnish that by sliding back, by giving into my vices. Not ever again.
