Page 44 of Slow Burn
12
BRYNN
My shit choices were about to cost me my family. Again. Levi had been patient for weeks. Waiting for me to come clean. How could I, though? How could I tell him I had selfishly endangered his life, his daughter’s life, by letting this thing happen between us?
I couldn’t. For weeks, brick after brick had been torn down, built upon the shaky foundation of the choices I kept from him. I promised him every day I was here to stay, knowing that was a lie. I knew at some point, I had to go. I hoped foolishly I might be able to come back to him and Amelia. Now…. I knew I was about to destroy that chance.
“Just ask. You deserve to know.” For days, we had danced around it.
For weeks, we’d engaged in this dance. Levi asking while I denied. Me accepting the desperate expression of his love because I needed it. Wanted it. Still, we continued to dance. Around phone calls and messages I avoided while I kept dancing. Putting up bricks even as I tore them down.
Levi was a calm and clever man. Loving to me and his daughter, promising us everything and delivering. Loyal and supportive to our friends. A dedicated firefighter. The best man I had ever known. I didn’t deserve this kingdom, and I didn’t deserve it’s king.
“Is there someone else, Brynn?” Levi’s voice was hollow, pained and it bounced off the walls, aimed right at me.
“There is no one else. I swear to Christ, there is no one else. Nothing else I want but you and Amelia. Chicago and this house.” I sink into his favorite chair, bowing my head as I prepare to come clean.
“Then what the fuck is going on! What is keeping you from giving me everything? I begged you not to do this if you couldn’t give me everything, like I gave you. We deserve your everything, Brynn. If you can’t do that…” I look up at him, tears already staining my cheeks.
“I can’t. Not because I don’t want to. I mean, I can…just not yet. I need to take care of something back in Boston. I should have never let this get so far before….” I wipe at my face, angry at myself for making such shitty choices.
“You need to tell me, Brynn. I can’t…I am going out of my fucking mind. I need to know. You can’t expect me to keep waiting for you to give us everything. Not without you telling me what is going on.” Levi’s voice went tighter with every word.
He had given me time. Had waited patiently. Then he had begged me to give him those final bricks. To give him the rest of me that I had stowed away, fearing the pieces wouldn’t fit into the perfect castle he had been building for us. Now I had no choice.
“It’s bedtime for her,” I nod at our—his daughter and he turns on his heel before I can continue.
Levi takes her to her room, the room that started this entire fantasy for us both. Or restarted it, I suppose. Because we both know it started that summer night in Hunter’s family barn.
I follow down the hall, but I continue past her room. I step into the room we have shared for the past few months. Signs of us together are everywhere. It’s no longer the home he shared with someone else. It is our home and it is killing me to think of walking out of it tonight. But, I made this choice and I know what I have to do.
I made it easy on myself, leaving half my stuff at Lola’s place. Because, I knew this night would come. Maybe not this way, but I knew it was on the horizon. It takes me just a few minutes to shove my things into the leather bag I brought here all those weeks ago.
I am just zipping it shut when Levi steps into the room.
“What…so you are going to be the one to walk away?” Levi accuses with nothing but pain in his voice.
“No.” I startle us both, because I thought that maybe that was exactly what I was doing.
Watching him in the doorway, I want nothing more than to go to him and let him hold me while I hold him. Let him build this fantasy that can protect us both from the reality of a life of bad choices. I know I can’t. I know I have to face my choices.
But, knowing what I can have here, I am suddenly fueled with rage and contempt. I won’t just give up.
“Then, what…” Levi shoves a hand through his thick hair, and I note that he needs a cut.
“I will go if you ask me to.” I catch my breath as he takes two big steps, towering over me.
“I won’t be the one to end this. I warned you of that once.”
“You might. My choices…every one of them I made before I ever knew you. Might change your mind, Levi.” My voice breaks as he presses closer, cupping my neck, thumbs at my jaw.
“I fucking love you, Brynn. What can change that?” He whispers his lips over mine and I choke on a sob, clutching at him.
For long moments, I let him hold me as we kiss. Its desperate and pained and washes away the anger of tonight and all the nights before. But it might be the last one, and so I savor it.
“A lot can change love, Levi. I love you. I love you and Amelia with my entire heart. My entire soul. I am a different person because of you two. Because of the life you have given me. But the person I was before…. you might not even like her, if you had known her.” Levi frowns and starts to shake his head.
“You asked. Let me explain.” We sit at the edge of the bed and I do just that.
