Page 37 of Slow Burn
“Amelia is not mine. Even if I love her like she is. Even if Levi says she is. Levi had a family before I came here. How can I feel like anything more than her stand in? Isabel...she could come back tomorrow and take that baby away from us. Take Levi away from me.” My tears marked the wood floor with perfect circles of my grief.
“China Doll. That Princess is as much your daughter as the little man who just ruined my mimsy. Family is what you make it, remember that? We had everything they could ever give us, but the only family we had was each other. You're more my sister than Poppy ever was, Brynn.”
“I... I should never have let it get so complicated. I can't stay...” Lola slapped her hand over my mouth, cursing a blue streak.
“The fuck? Yes, you can, and youare. Levi and Amelia are your family, Brynn. I am your fucking family. Hunter, my son. Ford needs an aunt, Dollface.” I peeled her hands away, shaking my head.
“I love you. I love your husband,” Her eye twitched and I laughed, “I love your son as much as if it was my mimsy he destroyed. And... I love that Princess and Ifucking loveLevi. Doesn't mean I can stay. In fact, it means I need to go. Should have gone months ago.” My phone lights up on the table beside us, but I know it's not Levi so I ignore it.
“Gold...I gave you excuse after excuse to stay. Because I knew you thought you needed them to allow you to stay. You didn't then and you don't now. Levi should be reason enough. Amelia is, without question, reason enough. They love you. Levi looks at you like you are a queen on a throne. He loves you, Brynn.”
“I... I can't hurt them, Midge. I can't; if Levi found out, or got hurt because of me...” I shake my head and swipe my palms over my eyes.
“China Doll. Enough. Out with it. Right now. Got to stop hiding, Brynn. We all love you. I can confirm the Ladder 71 men let no one mess with their women. Neither do the Cooper girls. You leveled up from the Golds, China Doll. Nothing is going to happen to you; look at me. My husband took on the Lawton's. We walked away and they won't bother us again. Talk to me.”
Fresh tears blurred my vision and thickened my throat. Lola might be right, but even if she wasn't, I couldn't take it any longer. One of the reasons I had come to Chicago was to open up to Lola again. I had always trusted her with everything. No reason to stop now.
Before I could consider the damage, my story began to flow.
“With Eliot and Naomi Gold as shining examples of loving parents, I knew I had no idea how to do right by Abbi. Other than find her someone who did. Was still the hardest decision I ever made. I knew it was right, but fuck did it hurt. And it kept on hurting. I felt like I had nothing left afterwards. I... tried at school for a few months. I just couldn't get right again,” It's hard to admit how far I had gone off the rails, especially since I knew Lola felt guilty for leaving when she had.
'I drank a little too much. Took a few too many pills. Got a little lost for a while. I met this guy, Bernie at a bar I hung out at. He knew I was in a bad way. I thought he wanted to save me or something; even though I didn't know I needed saving. Instead, he was all too happy to keep me drinking too much, doing too many pills and staying lost. Bernie liked me miserable.”
Bernie Knight was a slick, handsome and ruthless enforcer for a low-level crime family in Dorchester. When I'd met him, he was running the nightclub I frequented; but his title as manager was a front. The club was a front for the Kelly family, where they laundered money, moved drugs and guns in and out of the kitchen and ran a lucrative—and illegal—gambling ring.
“One night,” I continued, so shamed and embarrassed I had to admit this, “Bernie showed me where the club really made their money. Just a few tables in a crowded room. It was loud and smoky and I had no idea it was illegal. Bernie knew my family, knew we had money. Figured I wouldn't mind losing some. Except, I was really good. I didn't lose. I was hooked. I kept coming back, and they kept losing money. Until they made sure I lost. Every night for weeks, they let me win one night then lose ten times my winnings the next. I ended up owing them hundreds of thousands of dollars. I... I couldn't exactly go to Elliot and tell him I owed the Kelly Crime family my tuition. I'd gambled it all away. I was fucked; until Bernie offered me a way to pay them back.” Lola sighs sadly and sits forward, taking my shaking hands.
“What did they make you do, China Doll?” It was a long time before I could admit it.
“At first, I thought...I mean, I saw the women there. I thought...they might try to force me to prostitute like I knew some of them did. Instead, they made me enroll back in school. Work my tuition off, Bernie said.” I look up at Lola at last, and the pity on her face stings my pride.
At first, it wasn't that hard. I just handed off brown packages to people I didn't know. I pretended I wasn't hurting anyone and that once I'd done enough of the deliveries, I'd have paid back what I owed. Problem was, Bernie encouraged me to continue to gamble.
Just like before, they'd let me win, then before I knew it, I'd lost everything I'd managed to pay back. I could never get ahead of my debt, and what's worse, the guilt of delivering drugs and guns was eating away at me.
I spent two years under their control, never making a dent in what I owed them. Like a fool, I tried to earn the money somewhere else. When Bernie walked in and saw me gambling at a rival's back room setup, I knew I was in trouble.
I'd won almost half what I owed them in just over a week. I could be done with them soon at that rate. Bernie put me in the hospital, he beat me so badly for betraying him. It was the first time he hurt me, but it was not the last.
“Naomi came to the hospital to see me. I begged her, Lola,” Anger lit my words as I thought about how my mother had denied me, even while I lay beaten in a hospital bed, “Begged her for the money. Promised I'd pay it back. Naomi came just to be sure I had her and Elliot removed from my emergency contacts. Said she had no children.” Lola gasped but I just laughed coldly.
I had heard that vow before. After Brad died, Mother said she wished I'd been the one to blow my face off. I was destroyed. Brad was all I had, and I knew he was my parents' favorite. He could do no wrong and I think that pressure was one of the reasons he killed himself. His suicide and my teen pregnancy brought them shame they couldn’t allow.
After that day at the hospital, Iwantedto die. I was never sober and I did whatever Bernie asked of me. We'd never been together, but soon after that first beating, I became his favorite playmate. I let him do whatever he wanted because it's not like I had something better. When he choked me until I passed out, tied me up for days at a time, let people watch him torture me while he fucked them...I just took it. I knew I was never paying them back, and he would finish me when he felt like it.
“One day I woke up and I just hurt. Everything hurt. My body. My heart. My fucking soul. I was handcuffed, covered in bruises from whatever Bernie had done the night before, a man I didn't know tied up beside me. I guess it was my rock bottom. I walked out and never went back. I'dpromisedBrad I'd become an architect. Went back to school and found a recovery program. One day, I got a call from a southern sweetheart telling me his wife was looking for her best friend.”
Lola was crying when I looked up, a wobbly smile on her pixie face. I accepted the hug she wrapped me up in, my tears having long run out. Pain and loneliness had led me to the dark places I'd gone. I hadn't felt lonely since I'd taken that phone call and Lola found her way back into my life. Hunter often said how she lit the world up with her bright colors, but he had no idea how right he was.
“What about Bernie? What you owed them?” Lola asked as she wiped both our faces with the hem of her shirt.
“Yeah...about that. Umm...I just never went back. Dodged him for months. Gave him everything I had whenever he caught up to me. It was the deliveries he cared about, though. A hundred thousand to those people is nothing. I made them more money in a week with those deliveries. I just stopped making my pickups. Once I got my degree, I jumped at your offer to leave Boston. I thought I could just disappear and they could find someone else.” I sighed and bowed my head, shaking it at my stupidity.
“But....he found you here.” My head snapped up and I nodded slowly.
“Yeah. Few weeks ago, I think. I have money now,” I smirked sourly, “A few weeks ago, I got a call from Brad's lawyer. Mother and Father tried to fight it, but I got both mine and Brad's trust from Grandad's estate. I can pay them ten times over.” I took a deep breath, shaking my head when Lola lit with hope.
“Then pay them. Who cares? You can stay here and work, and be with Levi and Amelia. What is stopping you, Brynn?” I bowed my head as I thought of what I was going to be forced to give up.
