Page 18 of Slow Burn
I had kissed him earlier. He was sweet and vulnerable and, dammit, I wanted to. Now he was kissing me. It was a totally different kiss. Before, it was hot but hesitant, almost fumbling. Not this kiss.
Levi’s big hands cradled the back of head, fingers tunneling in my messy top knot. His mouth took mine like he owned it. Nips of his teeth at my bottom lip, the push of his tongue, his body pinning mine down. I didn’t even try to fight it. My knees hiked up at his hips and I tugged him closer. I gave in to it even as I realized I was welcoming pain, but damn, it tasted good. Felt good.
His mouth moved over my cheeks, my jaw, my ears, hands tugging roughly at my hair. It was quiet besides our breathing, the sounds of his lips working at my skin. Just as he found a spot behind my ear with his teeth and tongue, there was a knock at the door. So loud against the frenzied quiet of our impossible moment, we both jumped. The baby cried and I shoved him away, sliding from the counter to rush to her.
“Don’t think we’re done.” Levi threatened as he headed for the door.
We were though. We had to be, because I couldn’t risk it. I made bad choices, and yeah, I could handle the fallout from them. I could pay the price they cost. But, Levi shouldn’t have to and more importantly, Amelia shouldn’t.
Levi was right, she deserved a fair start. She deserved everything we missed out on. I couldn’t risk her getting hurt because I made a selfish choice. My choices were almost always selfish, I knew that now. This time, I wanted to make a choice that wasn’t about me or what I wanted.
Which meant, we were done before we could start whatever this was. Again.
“I won't let us hurt you, Princess.” I murmured as I scooped up that adorable crimson haired bundle.
And I meant it. I wouldn’t let us hurt her, and I wouldn’t let my selfishness hurt Levi.
By the time I changed her and headed out, Levi had lunch waiting on the kitchen bar. I cradled the baby to me like a shield, snatching up the half empty bottle he’d set down earlier. I didn’t speak, even when he tried to as we ate.
I cleaned up our lunch as Levi took the baby, getting her burped, changed again, cleaned up and down for a real nap. When he came back, I was painting, my own walls up and stronger than before.
Levi was angry, hurt, frustrated but like he said he would, he did his best to behave. We finished the room as the sun started going down. The pinks and oranges cast shadows from the windows, where I hung new soft pink shades earlier. It looked perfect for Amelia.
“It’s perfect.” Levi spoke softly, as if afraid of ruining the moment.
It was too late, I had ruined it earlier and we both knew it. Levi was just too good a man so he pretended for us both. I agreed with a nod, ignoring the stinging of tears, the pinch of sadness in my chest. It was perfect but it was not mine, even if I had chosen every piece in the room. Amelia was not mine. Levi was not mine. I repeated this in my head like it was my new mantra.
“It is. Levi...I can’t. We...we can’t. It’s not about you or me, or us. It’s about her.” From the corner of my eye, I watched him nod, fists balled at his sides.
“I know. It has to be about her.” Levi’s voice sounds hollow and I hate it.
I almost tell him I don’t mean it. I almost take it back and let us be selfish. I took another look around that perfect room and knew better. Amelia deserved a chance at something amazing. I could not be part of that and I was damned sure not getting in the way of it. Why I had even agreed to stay, I had no idea.
Until I got back to the condo. A quick scan through my messages reminded me why. Why I was still here, why I was terrified to go back home and why I couldn’t be selfish with Levi and Amelia.
“Keep running, Gold. You know what you owe us. Doesn’t matter where you go, you owe a debt. It’s going to get paid one way or another, Princess. One way or another.” The thick Dorchester accent sent a shiver up my spine.
I locked all the windows and bolted the dead bolt. Not that they could keep anyone out if they truly wanted in. I thought about Lola and Hunter across the hall, the baby they were bringing home in a few months. I had to be gone soon.
Before then, if I could gather the nerve. I needed to head home, even if every part of me wanted to stay here. Even if a sexy firefighter and an adorable baby made me wonder if I really knew what home was anymore.
At first, it wasn’t that hard. Those first few days of showing up to a sexy, sleepy Levi before he headed off for the day. Spending my day changing diapers, fixing bottles and cuddling with that tiny baby, it wasn’t so hard at first.
There were a few moments, when I would realize how much I had missed, how much I had given up, that it hurt. But, then, Amelia would coo or giggle and I would almost forget about that. About the choice I made that left part of me forever empty.
At night, when Levi came home, it was almost easy. To make an excuse not to join him for dinner or a go with them when he took Amelia somewhere. At first.
And then.... he stopped asking.
Almost a week and a half into being his nanny, he came home, scooped his daughter up and dismissed me. It’s what I had wanted, of course. What should happen, and likely would with any other nanny. I knew that, but it didn’t make it sting any less. Didn’t make me wait for him to ask, and be crushed when he didn’t, any less.
I made it to the end of the second week. Levi had the next three days off, and I wouldn’t see him or Amelia until the following week. I had been on edge all day at the very idea. When Levi came home that night, I was ready for it.
“Hey little nugget.” Levi’s voice boomed as he found us in the kitchen.
Amelia adored him and I stood back to watch him bend down to kiss her hello, her little hands reaching for him. Levi lifted her out of her baby bouncer and cuddled her close. Ovaries exploded. Again.
Then his eyes swung to mine and I almost chickened out. It was too late for that. Levi’s brow quirked up and his mouth twitched and damn, he was so handsome. I made a stupid choice but I was going with it.
