Page 71 of Burn It Down
“I planned to stick with my sister-in-law regardless of the request. Had I not,” I took a breath and smiled as I went on, “since you want me to, I would have, Finn.” Charli giggled beside me before she stole some sushi from my spread.
After a lengthy description of what he planned to do to me if I didn’t obey him, which had my skin flushed and my panties ruined, he let me go.
Just as I started to ask Charli’s opinion on the turn of events, Cage called her. They were love sick right now, and I adored it. I was halfway through my sushi by the time she ended the call.
“Sorry. Cage is, uh…persuasive. I am not to let his baby sister out of my sight. Not that I intended to, Sweetie. Now…Bree. Tell me why that whore had a moment of your time, ever?” Once again, Charli had the ability to lighten the mood even when it was as dark as this one had been.
We talked for a while about the stunt Finn had pulled with Bree. What it was really about. How hurt it left us both. What it could have cost us both. Ultimately, it had cost me Bree, but I counted that a fair price.
Like I said, had I any doubts about her loyalty, that night cemented them. Therewereno loyalties as far as Bree was concerned. I didn’t know what Jordan meant by the situation with Bree and Finn. I truly did not believe Finn had slept with her.
“What do you believe Bree is capable of, Gigi?” Charli pulled me from my thoughts.
“Bree? Basically anything. You know, now, after all these years, I don’t even know why we became friends. We were totally different, had little in common. Bree is a spoiled only child and her parents are basically absentee. We tolerated each other more than we felt close since college started. I guess I was waiting for her to grow up.”
“Cage doesn’t trust her. Clearly, Finn does not either. I don’t think you do either. Is it possible…I love Finn, don’t get me wrong. I certainly don’t want to put doubt in your head, Sweetie. Just consider it. Is it possible the two did cross lines at some point? Clearly, Bree does not recognize lines. Maybe Finn was hurt enough; maybe it was before you two, even.” Disgust roiled through me, bile burning at the back of my throat.
“You think…Finn slept with Bree? Even after he swore otherwise?” I felt hot, and I shoved away from her.
Not sure if I was pissed at her for rationalizing the possibility or for it being an actual possibility. Of course, it was possible. For over two and a half years, Finn had no lines either.
Even if it was for a reason, it still ate at my soul. I needed to know those details even if they hurt. Even if they made me sick. I knew we couldn’t move on before I knew it all.
Truth was hecouldhave fucked Bree. Before us, perhaps. The silly safety device I had forced wild child Bree to get was saving my heart from breaking now. Because I knew had they fucked, it was before.
“I think I am going to be sick.” I lurched to my feet and shoved through the tables towards the ladies’ room.
Just like that, I wasted twenty dollars’ worth of delicious sushi. Charli rushed after me and just grabbed my hair as I emptied my stomach. I was kind of pissed at her for making me consider the truth. I could have been blissfully happy remaining ignorant.
“Oh, Sweetie, don’t. I need to learn to zip my fucking lip.” I giggled because if I didn’t, I would cry right there in the toilet.
“I love you, Charli Cooper. Don’t care if it’s not official yet. I love the way it sounds. You said nothing I hadn’t already wondered. I need to ask the questions. How did…. how did you and Cage get past it?” I sat up on the floor, my back to the stall wall.
“Oh, Sweet Jesus, it tore me up. Cage was honest. Told me numbers, names, more than I might have wanted to know. I had to get right with something. Cage was Cage before me. I was Charli before Cage. What we became is different. Better. While it doesn’t discount those people we were before, it doesn’t allow them to ruin who we are now.” I sighed as she squatted in front of me to smile sweetly.
“You need to get right with something too. Finn is not Cage. Cage spread himself out there for other reasons. His own demons. Finn did it…because he loved you, Gigi. We love them because we don’t know anything else to do. Any other way to feel about them. Finn loved you so much, he wanted something better for you. Pain and self-hate forced that hand, sweetie,” Damn, Charli Cooper--I wasn’t calling her by her maiden name ever again--was a smart bitch.
“Let it hurt when you get those answers. Don’t let it change who Finn is now. Who he would have been if he thought for one second he was good enough. I do believe Finn would have spent a life celibate waiting for you if he thought it was that easy. Imagine that, huh?” Again, I giggled, and let her help me to my feet.
It was a bit awkward, but we embraced in the stall. Charli was quiet as I washed my face and pinned my hair back. I knew she was beating herself up. Doubting her wise words. Truth was, Charli was right.
I loved Finn, and the hurt we had caused each other had not changed that. Further hurt wouldn’t either. I was a little surprised when I searched for how I felt about that. Relief. Acceptance. More love. Finn hurt himself more by seeking something less than he deserved in all those random faces.
It hurt me more to think of the pain those nights caused him. How I must have made it worse to smirk up at him and rate them. It came from a place of pain and jealousy. Like I told him weeks ago, I was at fault too.
Instead of being petty, I could have told him how I felt. Could have taken the leap. I didn’t trust him enough to catch me if I did. I had been as foolish as he had.
For years Finn, had been giving parts of himself away because he thought they could never be enough for me. Instead of telling him they would have been, that our parts together would always be enough, I let him hurt us both.
“I love him, Charli. So fucking much. How can you love someone who hurts you?” Charli smiled as she sat atop the counter, tucking her skirt between her legs.
“Because they love you too. They give you good and bad. Cage hurt me, but I never stopped loving him. I don’t think I had a choice in the matter. Finn loves you, Gigi. More than himself; I think it hurt him more to hurt you than you can comprehend. How did it feel for you to hurt him with Jordan?” I shuddered at the memory.
The night I brought him home, I knew what Finn must have felt doing the same. Of course, he was different, and that self-loathing allowed him to cross a line I couldn’t.
That I had allowed myself to be interested in Jordan, to have those thoughts about him those few times, proved I could have crossed the same lines. If I felt there was no hope, if I didn’t have the fire my mother raised me with, I might have.
“I need to know. I need to know it all. Before I ask, he needs to know. I believe he loves me,” I flushed with emotion, seeing my eyes lighting up in the mirror, “Finn has shown me, we just don’t know how to give each other the words. How to make it count. Tonight, I do. Want to do something for me, Charli Doll?” Her lovely face lit up, and as I explained, she got as excited as I felt.
