Page 46 of Burn It Down
“You can go now,honey bun. Don’t come back.” Then we all dismissed her, and I thought we were through.
“Wrong, honey bun. Just one. Let me know how it hurts when you figure out which one said yes.” Then she glared at Jordan as she shoved past him out into the snow.
The shop was quiet for a few moments, and then Gina and Mags started talking about the coming holiday. I appreciated the distraction from the scene we had just caused. Thanksgiving was coming soon, and the block, and both stores, looked like it.
Above the heavy scent of coffee grounds, you could smell the pumpkin spice muffins that Mags was famous for. Amber and crimson leaves hung from the windows, even though the streets were covered in snow, the trees mostly bare.
Before I could face Jordan, because I felt him waiting to talk, I needed a moment. I needed Finn. I excused myself and snuck into the kitchen. I wound the necklace around my fingers, letting the key dangle against my skin. I refused to cry for Bree ever again.
“Sweetheart,” Finn’s deep rumble was like warmth wrapping around me, “I am not telling you the surprise. You get it soon.”
“I saw Bree. We, uh….” I shook my head as I sniffed back the anger and sadness that battled for supremacy.
“Oh, Sweet Girl. Was it ugly? Want me to come take you home? Mags will let you leave, yeah?” I smiled and swiped at my eyes, refusing to let sadness win.
“No, Finn. I want to stay. I need it. Bree said you, uh…said you two got together between our fights. That you used her to hurt me. Bree said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want you to have what you wanted. Except her, of course.” I knew it wasn’t true, and still, I needed him to confirm it.
“Never. I’d never touch Bree, even if I didn’t know it would be betraying you. By both of us. I…you mean more than anything to me, Gigi. Done a shit job of showing it, I know. Still true. It kills me to know I ever hurt you, Gigi.” The tears came anyway, but I was smiling as I swiped them away.
“I hurt you too. We’re good at the hurting. Just got to get better at the good stuff. I need to go talk to Jordan…” Finn growled, and I almost laughed. His jealousy filled me with such fucked up pleasure.
“Why? You’re talking to me. What’s that pretty motherfucker doing there?” Finn’s voice was dangerous, and I fought the way my body responded to it.
“Not sure. I need to tell him my keys belong to someone else, and that I was just wasting his time. I don’t know how I’m going to go to class and face him now.” I groaned because until that moment, I hadn’t considered how awkward it was bound to be.
“Don’t, Gigi. Don’t go to his class anymore. For one, you’re not sure you even want to continue with your major. For two…Sweetheart, it will kill me to think about you sitting in his class with that pretty motherfucker wanting you.” I smiled into the phone because he wasn’t wrong; I wasn’t sure English was what I wanted to major in anymore.
I’d thought only Finn knew I was still unsure what I wanted to do with my life. Until a conversation with my mom recently. Mom ended it with her knowing “Hmm, I see”, which basically meant she totally saw through my lies that things were going good. Because they weren’t, and she always knew.
“I can’t just drop out. I mean…I could drop his class. Finn, do you want me to drop his class?” Simple question really, but we both seemed to realize it held so much weight.
“Yeah. I do. I’m a jealous motherfucker, it seems. This is a new development. It’s a pussy fact, but a fact nonetheless. We aren’t golden yet, and till we are, I’d rather not have that pretty motherfucker feasting his eyes on my woman.” I almost laughed. Inside, I might have giggled a little.
“I can do that. I need to get back to the counter. I am going to tell him about you…I mean…about us.” I wasn’t sure what we were; we had gone back and forth so much.
Just because he called me his woman, and I had brazenly claimed him as mine moments ago, in front of witnesses, Finn was right. We were far from golden yet. It was complicated, but I finally felt like we were done making it more so. Now we just had to figure out how to try this again.
“You tell him you got a man who will break his fucking face if he puts those pretty lips anywhere near your gorgeous face again. Tell him we’re fucked up, and we may not be golden yet. But we fucking will be. Got to go too, Sweet Girl.” I heard the alarms at the station, and my heart thudded as it always did, “You get your surprises in about two hours, okay? Miss me till then.”
Then we disconnected, and I smiled. I was actually close to Ladder 71 and could hear the wailing of the fire trucks as they tore out of the station.
A few times in the first weeks here, when we were avoiding each other, I tried to ignore them. Tried not to feel that rush of panic and fear that I always had when he had to go out on calls. When I knew my brother was on those calls too.
I was not surprised to find Jordan waiting a little impatiently by the counter. Mags shot me a look, and I mouthed an apology which she smiled away. Then she made herself scarce, chatting with the handful of customers seated at the tables and corner booths.
I squared my shoulders and tugged at my necklace once more. When I approached, Jordan scowled immediately. I was not expecting that reaction.
“A boyfriend? You were seeing me while you had a boyfriend waiting?” I could only assume Bree had told him much more than he needed to know.
“I told you I was seeing someone. That it was complicated. It’s still complicated, but…it’s not fair to you for me to see you outside of class,” I neglected to mention I would likely be dropping his class too, “I’m so sorry, Jordan. I never should have started seeing you in the first place.” I reached out to touch his hand, but he yanked it away.
“Why did you? Why bother if you had someone waiting in the wings?” I didn’t like his tone, and he was being far more dramatic than our few dates called for.
“I explained. It’s complicated. I’m sorry if you assumed…” Jordan shocked me by leaning over the counter and wrapping a hand around my neck.
“You didn’t even give me a shot, Gigi. Didn’t even really try. I deserve better than that. This firefighter of yours, he’s hurt you time and again. He’ll just hurt you again. A guy like him…” I shoved at his wrist, using a little more force than he expected.
“Don’t touch me. A guy like him? You don’t even know him. I do. My entire life, in fact. It’s none of your business, Jordan. We both know it was a mistake to even consider something more. You were my teacher, for God’s sake. Think about the risks.” I sighed and shoved my hair atop my head, letting it fall in frustration.
