Page 39 of Burn It Down
“Why would you see that? Stalking us?” Theuswas too much; I felt him flinch, and he shoved away.
“Us? Is it like that already?” I regretted enjoying his pain seconds ago when he twisted me to face him.
Finn looked like shit. Dark purple rimmed his eyes, and he had lost weight. His beautiful face was slimmer, and his eyes looked empty. I just wanted to end it right then. To tell him I had done all the trying I needed to.
Then I thought back to that night; Finn had tried to hurt me because he didn't trust me enough. I wasn’t done letting him hurt too. As sadistic as that sounded.
“I didn’t mean it…not like that. What have you seen?”
“Saw him kiss you yesterday. Gigi…if he tastes you, I might fucking die.” I tipped my head back to watch the sky.
“Hmm, what does Bree taste like? Or the literally hundreds of bunnies I know you tasted? This wasyou. You thought you knew what I wanted more than I did. I wasn't good enough. Thenweweren't good enough. You didn't trust me, even though I fucking earned it. How’s me trying working out for you?” I didn’t look at him, but he moved close, pressing me back against a tree.
“For shit. I don’t want you to settle with me, Sweetheart. I’m not…you don’t know anything else but me. I fucked up and didn’t wait for you. I wish I had, Gigi. You know how many times I didn’t even fuck them because I had just talked to you or saw you in the hall? Smelled your hair or heard you laugh?” I considered this as I let him bury his face in my neck, breathing deep.
The porno from that night suddenly gave me hope. How often had Finn done that? Oh, I didn’t get my hopes up and believe his numbers dropped greatly with the possibility.
Still…it was entirely possible all those times I made cracks about porn star noises it was for a reason. Interesting information. I shuddered in the cold, not because his lips were at my neck, his mouth whispering nonsense.
“Doesn’t matter. Why did it matter someone else wanted me? I never said I wanted him. Didn't trust me enough, or what we could be enough. Instead, you dove between the first legs that spread. Thought for sure I'd wait while you fucked your feelings away again. What if I don’t? What if you were right, Finn? What if going to shows and talking about books is what it takes to make me want someone else?” His strong arm went vice tight around my waist and he shuddered.
“Losing you for good might kill me. You deserve everything in the fucking world. Everything he could ever give you. Breaks my fucking heart I can’t be the man to give you that shit.” Finn sounded as if he accepted my words with finality. It scared the shit out of me.
“Who says I didn’t want everythingyoucould have given me? I don't know, maybe next time, ask me, yeah? This might have been avoided.... if say, you had the balls to say hey, Gigi, do you want me because ofme? Because of how I make you feel and what this thing between us is? Yeah? I need to go, I’m late.” My voice was detached, but I wanted to hold onto him. Never let go again.
“It’s ripping me apart to watch you be happy with someone else. Even just holding his hand and laughing with him. I fucking deserve it, though. I hurt you for so long. Fucking kills me that I was such a coward. I should have made you mine years ago, Gigi.” I rested against his chest, his beard thick and rough against the sensitive skin at my neck.
“If you could change it, when would you have made me yours?” I needed to know how long he had wanted me. How long we had missed out on this fiery, consuming thing we shared.
“Your prom night. I wanted to take you away from that dick and fuck you in that pretty green dress. Every girl after, they all looked like you. Not really. Nothing fucking like you because you’re like nothing else. Pale versions of you, Gigi. I wanted you before then, but that night…you just...and your date, he was like a mini me. I knew the way you looked at me, the way we laughed together, that shit I know you feel in the air right now, I knew it all mattered to you too.”
I moaned when he suddenly cupped my backside in his huge hands, lifting me against him, his mouth sucking at that spot on my neck that made me come alive.
“It always mattered for me. How could you ignore it for so fucking long?” Finn rocked against me, his cock hard and hot against my belly, snow melting the minute it touched us.
“I was obsessed with you, Gigi. For years. I watched you go on dates, I watched you try to find something in other people. I thought you would. Even wanted you to. I thought I should too. I’m no fucking good. I fuck everything up. I’m selfish; I want you to never want another fucking soul.” He had me pinned to a thick tree, his hips rocking against mine.
“I wanted you, you fucking idiot! For half my fucking life, I wanted you, and I wasn’t good enough. Wasn’t enough for you to risk trying for me.” Another moan, longer and louder, when his cock ground against my achy sex.
“Sweet Girl, I wanted you. I didn’t want to ruin you. Don’t think I didn’t want you, or that it didn’t kill me not to have you. The minute I got you, I fucked it up. Why didn’t I just tell your family? Tell the entire fucking world? Because then we were real. Then it wasn’t want and need. It’s having dinner together and folding laundry on Sundays and watching each other brush our teeth. I want that. I didn’t know…I don’t know if that’s enough for you.”
Finn wouldn’t let me go as we wriggled against each other in the snow, his mouth biting and sucking at my neck, no doubt marking me. For a moment, I allowed it because I needed it. That connection.
“It would have been enough for me.Youwere enough for me. You couldn’t tell me when it mattered that I was enough. That me in the mornings for good, was enough. You couldn’t even say me in your bed was enough when it mattered. Now, you get to just decide if you’re enough for me? Well, right fucking now, I want you. I want you to fuck me right here on the street, then tonight, you can make me dinner. That’s what I want. Instead, I have a date with another man so you can figure out if I wanted you enough.” Finn growled as I shoved at his shoulders, breaking away.
“I will. I will fuck you right here on the street. Leave you full of my come while you go hold hands with him. Then you can come home to me, and I’ll make you dinner and fuck you, even if you smell like him. I’ll make youmydinner and eat your sweet pussy, even if you think about someone else.” It was me growling now, and I shoved again, Finn losing his footing in the snow.
“No! It’s your turn, Finn. It’s your fucking turn. If you’re hungry for some pussy, Bree can be your fucking meal.” I made it a few steps before he finally broke the charade.
“I didn’t fuck her. I didn’t even touch her. I don't know what she told you. I threw her out after I told her what a piece of trash she was for wanting to hurt you. I couldn't touch her, Sweetheart. I…I haven’t been inside anyone else but you since your birthday. I was done faking it after that night.” I turned to call him on this, but he was gone by the time I could move.
My birthday. I stumbled blindly towards my stop on the L. My birthday. I had gotten wasted when I turned 21 back in May. Cage, my sisters, and Finn had taken me out. It was Finn who took me home, though.
I remember cuddling in his lap in the back of a taxi. Finn took care of me all night. Laid in bed with me and let me tell him how much I wanted him and how miserable I was that he didn’t want me. Finn could have taken advantage, but he hadn’t
Soon after, he started texting me back more frequently. We talked longer and about shit we never did before. His randoms were less frequent over the summer. The ratings felt like just an excuse for those moments in the hall.
Finn had been with only me in all that time? It was nearly Thanksgiving. I didn’t want to go on the date almost as badly as I wanted to take Jordan home, just to drive the knife in one last time. So, he knew how badly it truly hurt.
