Page 37 of Burn It Down
I knew she had a bitter relationship with her father, but I hate to allow her the excuse that it’s daddy issues; Bree is just used to getting what she wants, no matter the costs.
“Charli,” I needed someone who still knew what it meant to be my friend, “I need you. You guys busy?” Charli giggled, and then I heard her chastising what I had no doubt was Cage.
“Absolutely not. Want me to come to you? Or you come to the cottage?” I glanced at the door and couldn’t even consider leaving.
“C-Could you come to me, Charli? I’m…. I don’t think I can leave.” I could feel the minute she sobered, as her end went quiet.
“Be right there, sweetie.” Tears stung my eyes as the line went dead. Charli knew exactly what love meant.
Ten minutes later, Charli was walking in without knocking, and I loved her. By then, I had made it to the wide leather couch, but Charli didn’t join me. Instead she dropped her things, heading into the kitchen without a word.
When she did join me, she had two huge glasses of wine and a layout of cheese and crudités. Cage needed to marry this girl; like,yesterday. I took the wine and curled into the corner, almost weeping when she curled up behind me. I talked and Charli listened.
“Finn is so positive I belong with someone else. Doesn’t it matter that I don’t want someone else?” I'd emptied my wine, so Charli was quick to pour another glass.
“Oh, Sweetie. Finn doesn’t think youshouldwant him. Don’t you see that? Finn didn’t keep quiet because he was ashamed or because of Cage. Finn kept you to himself because he thought as long as no one knew, you wouldn’t realize you were making a mistake. That man wholeheartedly believes you will just realize one day he was a wild, hot mistake and nothing more.” I considered this as I shoved some nuts and cheese into my mouth.
“I love him. I don’t care if heisa mistake. It doesn’t feel like a mistake. Nothing I feel for Finn feels like it could ever be wrong.” Charli played with my long hair and talked soothingly and the ache in my chest started to ease.
“Gigi, I love you Coopers. The lot of you. I know exactly how Finn feels about you. I know what you feel for him. The air is thick with it when you two are together. How the rest of the Coopers missed it, I have no clue. Still,” Charli popped some cherries into her mouth and talked around them, “clearly something about this professor made you consider him, yeah? I mean, Sweetie, you haven’t even tried with other men. Have you?” I sighed and lay back, staring at the shadows floating over the ceiling.
“No. It’s been Finn since I was fourteen. I liked other men, flirted with them. Dated other men. Then I would see Finn, and I would just feel like “Oh, right. That’s why nothing else works. It’s always him.”I know it’s not rational, maybe not even healthy. I have obsessed over Finn most my life. How do I just stop that?” Charli sighed and contemplated my question.
“I don’t think you do. I don’t think Finn truly wants you to. Your relationship was built on questions. Should we do this? Why are we doing this? What does it mean? No questions got answered while you two snuck around. Finn doesn’t believe he is good enough for you. Someone else, someone like this professor looks good enough in his eyes. We all saw him, those weeks you were apart. Finn wants you more now than you want him. Relationships shift. Cage and I have a few times, in fact. One wants the other more. One needs the other less. You have the power, Sweetie. Finn realizes it and wants you to be sure, because that power…it could end him, Gigi.” Sighing sadly and swirling my wine in my glass, I stared at the door, wishing I knew what he was doing.
“I don’t want Jordan. I mean, I don’t think I do; yeah, he’s handsome and we have a lot in common. I don’t know, Charli Doll. After tonight…I want to do it just to spite him. I just want to hurt him more. That’s not a rational response, right? I should go to him and tell him…tell him that I fucking love him, and I only want him. Instead….” Charli had braided my hair by now, and she unbraided it and started again.
“Don’t do it to hurt him, Gigi. Because if you do love him like I think you do, it will just hurt you later. You will feel wretched. I know exactly how it feels to think I want someone. Tobelieveit. Then to realize one day, one man is all I could possibly want. Just…for as long as you two can stand it, consider his suggestion. Don’t do something you will both regret later.” The wine left me hazy as I glanced at her in confusion.
“Do what, then? Flirt with another man? Go on a date, maybe? While I hurt Finn, and break my own heart?” At my chest, my heart constricted and I gasped.
“Sweetie, you two are still wrecked, still struggling with doubts and questions. Fucking, while no doubt amazing, fixes none of that. Finn wants you to figure it out and come back to him. The man just doubts you will come back. Maybe you won’t want to, Gigi. Right now, Finn is all you want. What about in five years? What about forever? If you don’t make it clear to both of you that he’s all you want, those doubts you both have, they’ll just wreck you later.” It hurt but I knew she was right. My entire life, I had only wanted one man.
How could I really know if it was real? If it was more than infatuation? It was going to hurt, but I had to know. Finn deserved to have his doubts washed away too. Because I did love him. I had no doubt about that. I loved him enough to risk hurting us both. Just like he had tonight. I jolted forward, choking on some cashews as I realized the truth.
“Finn loves me?” I said it like a question. Once I heard myself say it, I knew it was true.
“Oh, Gigi…you beautiful idiot. Finn loves you more than he knows how to handle. That man,” Charli tipped her head towards the door, “is full of such self-hate, he wrecks the good in his life. You are the best thing to happen to him, so he wrecked it. That you came back after doesn’t compute in his pretty little head. Finn loves you Coopers. One of you more than the others. But I doubt he knows what love really looks like.” Damn, she was brilliant. Lizzie Bennett in the flesh, I was certain.
“To prove to us both that I love him I have to consider wanting someone else? This is seriously fucked up. My love life is more complicated than Dex and Camille’s.” We laughed before talk turned to our favorite book series. We talked about the Dominate Dex for hours.
When Charli left sometime after midnight, I knew it was mostly because Cage had gone as long as he could tolerate without her. Otherwise, she might have stayed, just to be sure I was back in one piece.
I loved the way she loved my brother, and even more how he loved her. Once upon a time, not that long ago, in fact, I doubted he’d ever find that. Too busy sticking his dick in whatever would let him. Much like my Finn.My Finn.
After everything, would he still be mine?
It became a routine over the next few weeks for us to avoid each other at all costs. Finn wasn’t staying at the fire station, unless he was on a shift that required it, so I always felt him come and go.Felt him. I could hear him hesitate in the hall before he left. Whether it was late at night or before dawn.
There would be a moment I was certain we were sharing the same air, waiting for something to break. Then Finn would let out a soft sound, and he would be gone. Only then did I head to class. Or work, which was a new endeavor.
The very next day after the Bree Blowout, as I came to dub it, I applied at my favorite coffee shop. I needed the independence. I had always relied on my father and the excess from my many scholarships to live off of. I wanted something that was my own.
I got the job on the spot when the very harried and adorable owner, Maggie, screamed at an impatient customer, then threw an apron at me. I rounded the counter, and just like that, I was employed. It had been just a little over a week, but I loved it.
I loved the heady scent of coffee that clung to my clothes and hair. I loved the quirky customers, some of who I looked forward to seeing daily. Most of all, I loved Maggie.
Brash and loud, she didn’t talk so much as shout. With wild carrot colored curls and more freckles than fair skin, she was two feet shorter than I was and made me laugh every day.
