Page 34 of Burn It Down
We fell quiet and I felt it. Felt the shift in the air because I had pushed her too far. My jealousy had been eating at me. My doubts, the questions. I had been pushing her to see if she might break. Might admit she wanted someone else. The pain that rocketed through me after she admitted she just might left me dizzy. My vision blurred as I stared down at her.
I was going to walk away. Because once again, I had hurt her. I was hurting too, but her pain eclipsed mine. Because it mattered more to me that she was hurting. It always had. My selfish jealousy, that voice in my head telling me Gigi was too good, had let me fuck it up again. Because, that’s what I did.
I had been so confused about what we were. I ruined it before she could tell me it wasn’t enough. I thought giving her some space was a good idea. It had terrified me; so, I had resorted to this shit.
Flirting with her whore friend because I was hurting. I knew I wasn’t good enough for her, and knowing someone else was killed me. Knowing that she might want that someone else finished me off.
“I…I didn’t mean it. Tonight. I don’t know what…” Gigi laughed, and I hated it because it was rusty and hollow.
“Oh, baby, you never mean it, do you? The two years you paraded women in front of me. While I all but screamed how I felt in your fucking face. The lying and sneaking around once I was good enough to try out. Didn’t mean any of that either, right?” Desperately, I reached for her, feeling like I was right back in her apartment after those weeks apart.
It suddenly felt like no time had passed. The dirty phone calls and the moments we'd shared since. Never happened. I knew they did, but it made more sense in my cluster fucked mind if they didn’t. If instead, I had never gotten it right, had never told her how much she matters to me. That I fucking loved her.
“Look, I fuck up. That’s what I do. You always want me anyway. I mean, wait…I don’t mean that. I mean…Gigi, I’m so fucking sorry. I've been crazy since I realized you might want someone else.” I reached for her and she winced; fuck, that hurt.
“Don’t touch me. I get it, Finn. Doesn’t mean you get to keep doing it. Keep wrecking me because of your own pain. I tried, again. You never can say the shit that matters when I need to hear it. So go. Do whatever the fuck you want to. Because, I mean, you were going to anyway, right?” I shook my head, swallowing back the thickness in my throat.
“No. No. I would never…Sweet Girl, I’m so fucking sorry. I never want to hurt--” Gigi glowered at me and crossed the room.
“Fuck you. For not wanting to, you’re a God damn pro at it. For years. Fucking years! I wanted you, and it wasn’t enough. For a minute, it was; at least, I thought it was. Guess not. Guess losing what we had was not enough to make me matter to you.” Fuck! I was fucking losing her for real this time.
“Gigi, please. I don’t know what I was thinking. You know you’re good enough. You’re all that matters to me. I just get selfish and act like a fucking asshole. I’m fucking crazy thinking about you wanting him, but…I deserve this. To feel wretched and rotten. I made you feel this?” I clutched at my chest as her eyes glittered with tears. With a nod, they spilled over.
“Just like this. Worse. Because you indulged in it. You took them home and buried yourself inside them while I was right here. I still wanted you. I’m a fucking idiot. I thought when I got you…you’d realized I was better…” I crossed the distance, her door slamming behind me.
“You are better than them. Better than me. I don’t fucking deserve you. Why do you think I hid what we had? Because you’re too fucking smart not to figure it out.” Gigi shook her head as I cupped her face in my hands.
“You hid what we had because you’re a coward. Because you like to fuck things up. Because it would be real if anyone knew. I can’t…I can’t do this again. I thought we could try again…. doesn’t matter, does it?” I crumpled against her, kissing her desperately.
“Sweet Girl, yes it does. I should have never…I should have done it right and I didn’t. I will next time. This shit…the past few weeks, we weren’t healed. Cage was right. I don’t want you to want someone else…but if you do, I will wait.” Gigi’s eyes went wide as she backed away, hands shoving at me.
“You giving me permission? That what this is? Fuck you, Finn. Since I moved in, this has gotten complicated. Let me clarify. We werefucking. We were never going to get back together. If we were…tonight would not have happened. You might have trusted me more. Might not have tried to hurt me just because your fucking ego was damaged. Go fuck whoever you want. I certainly plan to.”
Gigi lifted her chin in defiance, and fuck, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I loved her so much and this was tearing up all the good parts of me. The ones that were only good because of her. I would keep my promise. I wouldn’t touch another woman. Most certainly not Bree. Since we were clarifying things, it was my turn. I knew I didn't have the right, but I had to get it said.
“Another man fucking touches what’s mine…you won’t like the man I become. Hear me say it again. Want whoever the fuck you want, Sweetheart. Your pleasure belongs to me. Your pretty professor gets you hot during class, you come ride my cock. Let him take you to fancy dinners. Then, come home and let me eat your pussy. Otherwise…” My fingers tightened on her throat but we both knew I’d never hurt her.
Gigi nodded, tears slipping down her temples. I bent to lick them away, then I caught her mouth and kissed her savagely. There was desperation in the kiss that languished on for so long my chest ached for breath. Just when it started to soften, started to be just us, I bit at her lip and she moaned. Then I backed away, swatted at her ass, and slid on a detached smirk.
“Now what…” Gigi seemed to have lost the fire that had her declaring she’d fuck whoever she wanted to.
“I wait. You heal, Sweet Girl. I need to heal too. I…I’m so fucking sorry I ever hurt you. This is the hardest shit I’ve ever dealt with. What I feel about you, Gigi…it won’t ever go away. I know that now. I learned it the hard fucking way, Sweet Girl.” My own tears slid from my eyes.
Gigi pressed close and let me hold her. Then her lips were at my throat, trailing up along my jaw. At my ear, she whispered an apology, and I could feel us both breaking apart. Not just because of the pain we’d caused each other—mostly, I’d caused her--but because we needed to be sure we both wanted the same thing this time. This time, I would do it right.
“Night, Sweetheart.” Gigi watched me go without another word.
Battling myself, I took heavy and slow steps through her door and across the hall. Terrified that I just made a huge fucking mistake. Again. I knew Bree was waiting and thought she was getting what she wanted.
No fucking way. I made a promise to Gigi that my cock was locked up. Truth was, it had been before I made such a promise. Gigi held the key to the beast. To every part of me.
Gigi closed her door, unable to watch me walk away again. I don’t know how I crossed that hallway and left her behind me.How could I let the woman I love figure out if someone else was better for her? When I thought he might, in fact, be better?Because I loved her, I guess I had to.
I slammed my door shut, finding Bree waiting, looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. Bet the bitch thought she was swallowing something else tonight.
Crossing the room towards me, she started to unbutton her sweater. I shot her a look, sliced the air at my neck, and growled. Literallygrowledat her.
“Don’t even think about touching me. Get out.” Bree just smirked and kept on undressing.
