Page 31 of Burn It Down
7
I wanted to go back to Gigi. Nothing I wanted more than to climb back into bed next to my woman and sleep. I was beat. We had two fires and three rescues in six hours. I left Gigi’s place, promising to go back, and knew I couldn’t.
Not just because by the time I showered and headed home, she would be in class. Not just because I was wasted and wouldn’t be much company. No, because I knew last night I had to walk away.
Not for good. There’s no fucking way I can walk away from Gigi Cooper for good. That woman is in my bones, in my blood, in every single worthless part of me. I love her.
I love her so much it literally aches when I think about it. I feel a visceral pain when I think about her. About not being with her, really walking away. Worse, when I think about Gigi wanting someone. That might kill me.
Right now, I need to leave her alone. I was too desperate to fix my fuck up. I hurt her by lying about us. Gigi hurt me by shutting me out. We were both hurting. Fucking to hide it was healing nothing.
The past few days had felt like drowning in desperation. I was not too proud to be desperate over Gigi. How I reacted to that desperation was not good. For either of us. I wanted her, would always want her, and the thought of losing her tore me up.
We had talked; we knew what we had done to each other. What we hadn’t done was answer questions. Figure shit out. Now Gigi was confused, and me shoving my way back into her life was no good. Not for her, but also not for me.
I have to know she wants me because she can’t live without me. Not because she doesn’t know anything else. Because I’m all she knows about wanting someone. I love her too much to allow her to settle with me.
“Hey man, you look like shit. I mean lately you've kind of always looked like shit. This is a new level of shit.” Hunter, our house captain, acclaimed as I stared unseeingly at a rerun of Cops.
“Well, thanks, beautiful,” I launched a pillow at his crotch, laughing when it connected, “Maybe now you’ll stop wanting my dick, yeah? No, I’m good.” Total lie, I felt like shit; exhausted and frustrated about my woman.
“No, you’re not. Two weeks ago, you barely crawled out of a bottle for calls. Surprised as shit you didn’t get dead. Suddenly, Coops had his pep back in his step and Cage was talking to you again. I figured you worked things out with Gigi. Not so much, huh?” Hunter fell in beside me on the long leather sofa, bringing a fast tap down on my balls.
“Fuck,” I should have expected it, he had quick hands, “Dick. Yeah something like that. I’m good though. Letting my woman figure her shit out.” I ran a hand over my face and adjusted my balls, covering them from further assaults.
“You need to figure your shit out too?” Hunter asked around a sip of beer, following it up with a manly belch.
“Just oozing class, Byrne. No. I know where I’m at. Nothing’s changed for me. I mean, since Gigi everything’s fucking changed.” I smiled around a bite of peanut butter covered celery sticks--the only thing I can remember my piece of shit mom ever making me.
“Truer words have never been said, my dude. You got with Gigi, seconds later Cage got with Charli Doll. The badge bunnies are beside themselves. I mean, leaves more for us, of course.” Another belch and a hearty laugh, and I rolled my eyes at him.
Hunter was old enough to be better, almost five years older than Cage and I. When I started at Ladder 71, Hunter was a broken man. He had been one of the good guys once; married right out of college, then joined the department. He lived in the ‘burbs with a pretty wife and plans on a family. The usual.
The long hours and dangerous calls drove his wife to drink, literally. This apparently woke the whore she had trapped inside. It ultimately drove Hunter to bag every badge bunny he could. They carried on that way for a while until finally she snagged a powerful suit and walked out.
Now, he was still fucking as many bunnies as he could, as often as he could. We had shared a few, I’m actually a little appalled to say. I liked some kinky shit but Hunter took it to a whole new level. Cage might have thought I was the worst here, but he had no idea about Hunter.
The dude kept rating scales of the broads he hooked up with. Gigi would be disgusted to know how he rated them. Once upon a time, I think I wanted to be like him. Besides Deacon Cooper, Hunter was the next best thing I had to a father figure.
“I am sure extra pussy is a hassle, Byrne. Surprised you have a dick left, actually. Ariel keeping her filthy cunt away from O’Malley’s?” I had warned her once, and I meant it. That pussy was not welcome.
“Fortunately for all our dicks, yes. Gigi pissed that you dipped your dick in that?” Even Hunter had standards, and he had learned long before Cage and I just what Ariel was.
“Well, I mean, she’s not proud of me for it. That was ages ago though; Gigi and I came way after that. How’s Levi doing?” A few weeks before Levi, one of our rooks, had gotten hurt during a call.
Both Cage and I felt guilty about it because it was kind of our fault. We were both twisted up about our women, and Levi was happily married to a reformed badge bunny. Of who I knew gave amazing head, in fact.
Anyway, we had a call, and the idiot wouldn’t shut up about married life. Cage was less than nice to him, and I kept pushing him about how many of us had bagged her. I greatly exaggerated because that’s what dicks like me do. Levi ended up as twisted up about his woman as we were, which was the plan.
After the call, he decided to finally stand up for himself. All of us still in gear, and working on shutting down a hydrant, he tried to pick a fight with me. I like the kid, but when he came at me, I just reacted.
Idiot got tangled up in the hose and broke his arm and a few ribs after a shove from me. A gentle shove; I mean, we’re station brothers after all. Levi got to tell his wife he got hurt on the job and take a few weeks off. I got a strike, and Cage got a good show.
“At home with a wife sucking his dick every day and getting paid for it. I think he’s good. I mean, we all know how well she sucks dick.” I almost laughed. Then I thought of getting my dick sucked by someone other than Gigi, and it came out choked.
“I didn’t mean it. My head was fucked about Gigi. I think we had our first fight. Makeup sex is fucking amazing; whoever doesn’t tell people about that should. Nothing like some angry sex.” Hunter laughed and went to punch me in the balls when a commercial came on, but I beat him to it.
“Bunch of pussies around here. Nothing like sex, period. Charli and Gigi got both your dicks on lockdown. Jesus Christ, man.” I laughed that time because he had no idea. No fucking clue.
