Page 17 of Burn It Down
Me:Tell him. Or let me. Or stop leading me on. I’m not your fucking on call badge bunny, Finn Cooper.Seconds after that text, he reminded me why I was so crazy about him.
Finn:We will, Sweet Girl. I promise, Gigi. I just...I can’t lose you now. I can’t go back to being without you if he forbids me to see you. I won’t. Please, let me tell him so he knows I’m with you for the right reasons. I promise I am. It doesn’t turn me on or excite me to think we might get caught. It scares the shit out of me. I can’t lose you, Gigi. Iscrolled to a more recent one, swiping at my tears although I was smiling.
Finn:You are so beautiful, Gigi. When you sleep, I just watch you and wonder what the fuck I’m doing. You’re the best thing I’ve ever known and I don’t want to fuck it up. I probably will, though. Don’t let me, Sweetheart. Please, don’t let me.
Before I knew what I was doing, I responded to his latest text. The one after our last night together. The night I told him I was done with him. Because I had to be. Or I should be. But I didn’t want to be and wasn’t even sure Icouldbe.
Cage was right; I would forgive him. Someday. Because Finn was always going to be a part of our lives, somehow. They really were like brothers and Finn would do anything for Cage. Which was why sneaking around with me should have proved something to me.
Finn would never hurt Cage. He did everything he could not to; even banging that badge bunny had been to keep her away from Cage. Finn being with me could ruin his relationship with Cage. Both of us knew that and he did it anyway.
Me:I’m so sorry, Finn. I don’t know...I don’t know how to be okay now. I miss you.After I sent it, I regretted it; I didn’t want to confuse us both more than we already were.
Finn:I miss you too, Sweet Girl. I wish I'd been the man you saw when you looked at me. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m not okay either. I’m not...I’m just not the same without you, Gigi.
Me:Don’t hate me. I don’t hate you. I’m moving into Cage’s. Not to hurt you. I won’t rate them anymore. I promise.I didn’t think he would bring women home in front of me so I’m not sure why I said the last comment.
Finn:I could never hate you, Gigi. Having you close is going to be hard. I want you here. I don’t want anyone else, Gigi. No one could beat my ten, why bother trying?I smiled into my pillow and wished he was there with me, holding me like he used to.
Me:You will always be a Cooper. I need to be okay to be near you again. Finn...I’ll always want you. How do you feel about that?Why did I tell him that? Other than it being true, of course.
Finn:Sweet girl, I will always want you too. Always. I feel like I want you to always want me. Maybe someday I can be the man who deserves you. I wish I was there with you because I know you’re hurting.Tears were streaming down my face now, but I needed to say these things. To put them out there.
Me:You are the man who deserved me. Until you didn’t. I wish I was there. I fucking hate it here. I’m so scared about my future, Finn.He was the only one who knew I was struggling. Who knew school was less than easy for me right now.
Finn:I know you are, Sweet Girl. Tell me right now what you could do if school and being a Cooper didn’t matter? Who would you want to be?Finn had asked me that a few times before but I never had an answer. I did now.
Me:The truth? No matter how bad it hurts?The dots danced, and my chest went tight as I readied to throw myself on his mercy.
Finn:Truth. We both could use some truth. Your truth could never hurt as bad as mine hurt you.I smiled because I was about to prove him wrong.
Me:Since I was fourteen I've wanted two things. To capture photos of something important, something that makes people feel something.
The dots bounced before I could say the second thing and I found myself smiling. He knew I loved photography and let me snap all the pics I wanted of him looking like a fucking Adonis.
Finn:So, do it. Your photos make me feel stuff. I still have the one you took of us in the park. You were so fucking beautiful and right then, you were all mine.
I wanted to know more about how he felt about that photo; we spent the day at Auburn Park with a picnic and lots of cuddling in the grass. It was more romantic than I knew he could be.
That day I only had eyes for him, though. Judging by the photos I developed later, the same was true for him. When I looked at that photo, which sat at my bedside table even now, I saw two people in love.
Me:Tell me what that photo makes you feel. Please.Finn responded immediately as I stared at the photo, wondering if he was doing the same.
Finn:I feel like the people in that photo didn’t know what they had. I feel like when I look at it, I know how I feel about you. How you felt about me. Like for that day, that moment, nothing else mattered. Not your family or mine. Not fires or rescues or school or any of it. Just the two of us letting ourselves have something special.God, I loved him. More than I could understand, given how he had hurt me; how I had never felt like enough for him, even when he was mine.
Finn:What was the second thing you wanted?Of course, he remembered.
Me:You, Finn. I always wanted you.I didn’t know how it might hurt him, because I didn’t know if I could let myself have him. Even though I still wanted him.
Finn:Sweetheart...I know I fucked up. I lost you. I know I don’t deserve a second chance. I want it though. I want to stay away because I can’t hurt you again. I know I don’t deserve you, Gigi. I meant it before, Gigi. I will always want you. Someday, you decide I can be what you need; I will drop everything for you. You tell me right now to keep my dick in my pants for the rest of time, because I might get to be inside you again, I’ll lock that shit up.I laughed out loud as I shuddered with tears. Tears of remorse and release, of relief that I was talking to him.
Me:Would you, really? Without knowing what I wanted, you’d promise me not to touch another woman? Or if I don’t ask that...someday I come to you and you have a girl. I tell you I want you...that’s it?I don’t know why I was asking such foolish questions.
Finn:Abso-fucking-lutely, Sweet Girl. I won’t ever feel a single thing like what I had with you. Tell me to lock my dick up, baby. Tell me to tattoo your fucking name on it if you want. Two months or two years you come to my door step wanting me back? I could be inside another broad and I’d drop her to have you back.
Me:And me? What do I do in the mean time? While I figure my shit out?
Finn:Truth? You let another man touch what’s mine, I might kill you both. You need to get off you let me make you come. I’ll make you come right now. Just ask. We’re fucked up, baby. We don’t know shit about what we want. It’s okay not to know what we want to be or who we want to become. I fucked up and I got no right saying this, but...you’re mine until you tell me you’re done and fucking mean it. Saying it with my cock inside you doesn’t count, Sweet Girl.Suddenly, I was hot everywhere and I wanted him to keep his word. To make me come again.
