Page 16 of Burn It Down
Stopping at the commons on the corner, I stocked up on tissue, ice cream, and wine. Screw Bree. I didn’t need her to be okay with how I dealt with this. Or didn’t deal with it. I didn’t need to talk about it. Talking changed nothing. Talking did me no good.
After a long shower that left my pale skin pink from the heat, I sunk into my bed. Bree had classes all day, but that hardly mattered. Lately she made herself scarce, regardless of classes or partying. Really, I should be pissed that my best friend wasn’t trying harder to help me cope. Not that I wanted to cope just yet.
Still, Bree had been my best friend since high school. We were polar opposites, yet once very close. We tolerated each other's filthy mouths like I accepted Bree's spotty attendance in crucial life moments. Before now, I had no reason to think that perhaps Bree was not such a good friend.
Then, Cage met Charli Dixon. It’s crazy how one person can change so much, so fast. Without really trying. Charli was what a friend should look like. Since we met a few weeks after she started seeing my brother, I was as gone as he was. Charli was funny and smart and cared so damn much about everyone.
When I told her about Finn, she was excited for me. No judging about the complex situation or his questionable morals. I wanted Finn, so Charli wanted me to have him. It was that simple. Just a few days ago, she and Cage had tried to lure us back together.
Maybe not to mend the damage, but to force us both to face it. I'd been avoiding our lunches, afraid of an intervention. I knew Charli would see my heart breaking right in front of her and want to fix it.
I also knew I might let her, because lord knows I didn’t know how to start. I’d never had it broken before. I had never given it to anyone else. Just Finn.
Thinking I loved Finn, and actually experiencing what it could be like were two different things. To know his touch and remember his laugh that was different when it was just us tore at the wound in my chest. I wanted him back. I wanted him to want me back. Didn’t mean I thought we could work.
When Charli took me to lunch then invited me back to the cottage, I went reluctantly. I knew the boys were moving Cage in, and I was expected to take over his place. Until that night I didn't have an answer. Because as much as it hurt, I wanted to be near Finn.
“Just…learn to be around him again right now.” Charli had suggested as we sat in my Prius a block away. In front of the cottage, I saw the boys. Saw my Finn.
They were talking and I could just barely hear his voice. I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but I didn’t need to. God, he was beautiful. Tall and wide with thick, dirty blonde hair that just touched his shoulders. The thick beard added to his sexy ruggedness.
I missed him. I was miserable, and he and Cage were having beers and shooting the shit. My heart cracked open a little wider knowing it wasn’t ripping him apart like it was me. Then, he hurled his beer at a tree and hollered at Cage.
“Fuck you, man!” Charli and I exchanged a look before rushing to intervene.
Cage was doing his part to fix it. I'd known when he'd taken me out for coffee days before. Cage hated to pay seven dollars for frou-frou coffee. His words, not mine. I’d pay to have that sweet shit pumped into my veins.
We sat together in the fluffy leather seats by a little fire. I waited, knowing he was about to say something that was tough for him. Then he spoke, and my broken heart splintered more.
“I’m so sorry, Red,” Cage stared into the fire as he spoke, “I fucked us both up at once. I don’t get it because it’s Finn. I mean,Finn. I don’t need to get it. I see something in your eyes when you look at him. I know you may not be ready to talk to him, to see him. To forgive him. Once you are--because it's Finn, so youwill--I won't stand in the way again. I love you both. I know I fucked up; I was so wrapped up with Charli. I’m sorry, Gigi. Don’t make him pay for my mistakes.” Cage had given his blessing. Two months too late.
Then days ago, I was certain they were going to come to blows. Giving me his blessing was not the same as giving it to Finn. We all knew that. Cage wanted Finn to suffer some more. To earn me somehow. That night, Charli and I rushed to intervene; Finn was gone, already two blocks away.
I wanted to go after him. To do what they had brought us there that night to do. To talk about it. To figure it out. Try to decide if I could forgive him for his mistakes. Two weeks earlier, I had told him I was done. With him, with us. Seeing him that night proved what a fucking liar I was.
“What is going on?” I had demanded, eyes flickering between the two most important men in my life.
“Finn is hurting,” Cage had seemed angry, shockingly enough at me and not Finn, “more than I have ever seen him hurt. He can’t even be around you right now, Gigi. He’s a fucking mess. I know you are too, even though you think acting like you’re fine fools us. At least Finn has the guts to show how fucked up he is over you two. You knew who he was, Gigi. More than even I did, probably. You walked out on him. Finn never thought he had a right to you. By walking out on him, you proved him right.” Cage blasted me with truth that sent me into Charli’s arms.
Now I laid here, my chest aching and my tears dried. I gave up on us, not Finn. I didn’t trust him. Because I never thought I had a right to him either. I wanted him for so fucking long. Getting him seemed like a cruel joke because I knew he would never really be mine.
Except he was. Until I walked out. I never even gave him the chance to try to fight for us. I never fought for us either. Because I thought it was a temporary thing for Finn. An extended stay over on my journey, not one he intended to be permanent.
Except, maybe he did.
Lying in the early afternoon sun, I missed him. So badly. It overwhelmed the ache of pain that his refusal to claim me to Cage, or anyone really, had left me with. I wanted him more than I wanted to be angry at him.
Reaching for my phone, I scrolled through the texts I still couldn’t delete. Not just the ones since I walked out of his place weeks ago. I had texts that went as far back as the middle of summer. When I started texting Finn just to get the contact I needed. I smiled despite my sadness as I read over some favorites.
Finn:Damn, you look good in that skirt, baby. How about you never wear that to the firehouse again, though. I don’t like the guys looking at you.Just weeks after we started, I realized he had a jealous streak. Which. I.Loved.
Me:You don’t mean that. I wore it for you. I might not be wearing panties. I mean…you can come find out.
I had been there to bring Cage a book for Charli. Really, I was of course there to see him, of course. Finn ordered me to the bathroom where he fucked me hard from behind while keeping a gentle hand across my mouth.
Finn:Baby I’m sorry. You just drive me fucking crazy. I wanted you for so long. I don’t want anyone else to know how fucking good you feel or how sweet you taste.
Finn:Cage knows something. Keeps catching me texting you.The next day he had panicked and we didn’t see each other for almost a week.
