Page 15 of Burn It Down
Today, I was supposed to read an excerpt of my creative writing piece. I told him last week I was ready. I had been, then. In fact, I had been ready just minutes before he walked in smelling good and looking pretty. Bree giggles beside me and smooths her hand down her thigh.
Jordan’s eyes flickered to her, he frowned then those eyes were back on me. He smirks again, and I feel my face flush. Jesus, I am an idiot. Steering my mind from Finn and my heartbreak, I try to offer a smile back. Don’t know if it looked like much of one, though.
“See me after if you need me.” Nice choice of words there, Professor.
Jordan calls on another student to share their piece and I’m relieved. Until his eyes land back on me as the young man stands and begins reading. The class is engaged, laughing and listening to him weave his tale.
I only half listen. Jordan’s eyes, the color of slate, watch me and there is no denying what’s in them. Questions and interest and a whole lot of lust. Despite the ache in my chest, the tears just waiting for a reason to fall again, I smile at him.
I don’t know why. I’m intrigued, I suppose. Jordan and I have exchanged a few flirty smiles. Maybe one or two borderline inappropriate conversations. Nothing more. Mostly because Finn. Always because Finn.
Even before Finn let me shove my way into his apartment that night, it was him. Though I dated a few times, I never had an actual boyfriend.
Before Finn, my prom night and a few hot nights in the back of a car by the lake were all the action I had seen. No random hookups or friends with benefits. No revenge fucks to try to show Finn I could give it as good as he could. Instead, I waited. Then Finn.
Now....Jordan was pretty. He should be off limits, and I kind of wanted to break the rules for once. I waited for Finn for so long, my brief time with him wasn’t enough. I knew no one else would be like Finn. I would never feel that way again. I had no doubt.
Didn’t mean I intended to never feel again. I wasn’t ready. I knew that. Two weeks ago, I still wanted Finn; enough to let him fuck me even as I told him we were done. I don’t know if I could ever not want him.
If I evenwantedto not want him.
Right now, I couldn’t consider what that meant. I just wanted to feel something again. Something besides pain and the emptiness I’d felt for weeks.
For the rest of class, I exchanged long looks and smiles with Jordan. When he circled the room, he came near me and I could smell his sweet scent. I wanted it to wash away my memories of Finn’s delicious smell. Fire and leather and wood and something that was just him.
Most my clothes and some of my sheets were still heavy with it. I maybe didn’t wash some things on purpose. I wanted to torture myself, I suppose. Can't force myself to let go if I purposely hold on.
When class ended, I lingered and Jordan came to stand in front of my desk. Once the room was empty, he reached out and cupped my face, tipping my head back.
“Pretty girl,” Jordan’s voice was rough and full of hunger, “lost your smile lately. What can we do to keep this one where it belongs?” The pad of his thumb swiped over my mouth and I wanted to feel something. Anything other than what Ididfeel.
What I felt was fear and panic. Guilt and heartache. Looking up into this handsome man’s face, feeling his gentle and wickedly inappropriate touch at my skin, I didn’t feel heat, want, and lust.
Just guilt. Pain. I managed to fix the smile at my face as I touched his hand, gently tugging it away. I closed my fingers around his. They were smooth and slender.
Finn’s hands were huge and rough and always a little dirty. A flash of those dirty hands cupping my breasts as I watched him, head between my legs, his mouth kissing my pussy just as deeply as he did my mouth, made my thighs clench.
Jesus Christ. My breathing was erratic and I was flushed and I looked up to see Jordan’s eyes flashing hungrily.Well, shit.
“Not sure I know how to. See you next week, Mr. Dexter.” I stood and gathered my things, dropping his hand.
“Gigi, wait.” I paused at the door before I felt him move close. Too close. His jeans brushed against the thin material of my leggings.
“Mr. Dexter, please. I need to...” I closed my eyes when I felt his hands at my hips, tugging me back. Bringing my ass against the bulge pulsing behind his zipper.
“You are so beautiful, Ms. Cooper. Let me make you smile again.” The words were spoken against my neck before wet heat pressed to my skin.
Jesus Christ, he thought my reaction was for him.Gigi, you are an idiot!Just feet away, I heard students talking and laughing. The halls were mostly empty between classes. It was cold outside, bitterly so, and I thought for sure a press of student bodies might have saved me.
My eyes were closed tight. Jordan’s body felt foreign against mine. I was taller than he was, especially in my boots. He pressed closer, one hand slipping up my left side slowly.
It felt all wrong, and tears slid from my eyes. Before he could make purchase, one hand aiming between my legs, the other shoving beneath my sweater, I bolted. I barely made it to the ladies’ room before I broke down.
I collapsed into the large back stall and wept. My skin burned where he had touched me. Not like it should. Not the way it did when Finn touched me and made me feel wanted and desire burned through me. I literally felt scorched, like I had put my hand on a burner.
The bathroom was empty and I spent too long perched atop that toilet, sobbing. I almost relished the pain. Because then I knew it had happened. Finn had happened to me. For me, at least, it had been real.
Sometime later, I pulled myself together and scrubbed at my face. I wanted to shower. I felt dirty for letting Jordan touch me. For letting him think that hungry flash for Finn had been about him at all. Instead of heading to my next class, I left.
