Page 136 of Doctorshipped
“That’s the biggest question, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“I wanted to. I know this isn’t even going to sound plausible, but I planned to. When Dad pulled me aside at the airport, he said as much. He told me to let you in. And I intended to. Before we started dating, well, you were just the tutor, and an all-around-pain with your chronic sunshine and optimism.”
She chuckles. It’s the kind of laugh you laugh when you miss something fiercely. It contains some humor, but a wistful tone overshadows the joy.
“You and I have only started dating. And we were enjoying one another. I didn’t want to add something so awful and heavy to the mix. I wanted us to have the delight of those early weeks. The weeks spread out, and I kept asking myselfwhen. When would I tell you? And every time you were here, we were so comfortable and happy. I just couldn’t.
“I told myself it didn’t matter. What happened with Margot was in the past. What difference did it make if she died or she chose a life that was the equivalent of a death? She was our past. You were our future.”
“I was?”
“You were—and you still are, to me. But, I’m not the only one deciding what we become here. You were blindsided today. I’d do anything to take that back. But, I can’t. I never wanted to hurt you. The look on your face …”
I shake my head and drop it into my hands. “I never want to be the source of that look.”
“Grant.”
“Hmmm?”
Our eyes connect.
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Shane, my ex-boyfriend, cheated on me. He picked some skinny, tall redhead with big … anyway. He chose a woman who was the antithesis of me. And he chose her while we were still dating. He hid his involvement with her and strung me along. Until he didn’t. Then he dropped me like a hot potato. Before him I had a few high school boyfriends. After him, well, you know, I committed myself to a life of happy singleness and sweet friendships.”
I nod, wanting to give her all the time she needs to say whatever she needs to say.
“Until you. You came out of left field with your grumpy, grouchy, grumbly self. Your sweet heart. Your sense of humor. Today in the kitchen wasn’t near the blindside you were. You blindsided me, Doctor Peppers.”
The name stings. It feels like a memory, like something she used to call me and won’t after today.
“And I started falling for you. And I think you started falling for me. And we were saccharine sweet. I even asked the girls the other night if what we had was too good to be true.”
I want to shout that it’s not.
Me—the pessimist—I want to convince the eternal optimist to take one more ride with me, to buy one more ticket labeledHope, and to spend it on us. But, I can’t. I can’t ask more of her than she’s given.
Jayme’s eyes plead with me from across the room. I look into them, holding her gaze as if I’m holding her.
“I just don’t know how to give you my heart again. I don’t know how to do this without waiting for the other shoe to drop. You withheld yourself from me. Do you get that? Do you see that’s what you did?”
I nod.
“If you had told me about Margot before today, when I walked in you could have done some crazy pantomime gesture behind her head like,hey, hey, that’s her, the ex!and I would have been with you. We would have been together in this, on the same team.
“But you do the lone wolf thing, Grant. You hold yourself at arm’s length from everyone—even me. Maybe not Fiona, possibly not your dad, but everyone else. And I thought I was in that club—the club of elite people who get to see every side of you, to have a VIP pass into your heart and life. But, I’m not.”
“You are.” I say, regretting the words as soon as I say them.
What have my actions shown her? That’s all the evidence she has. My intentions don’t count. And, she’s right. My actions have kept her at bay.
“I want this,” Jayme continues. “I want you, Grant. I wanted everything with you—the whole picture. I wanted to be the sunshine of your life, to share that spot with Fee. I wanted to make a home with you eventually. I wanted to watch you outdo George Clooney in handsomeness as you age. I wanted the belly laughs and the milestones and the nights holding one another. I wanted it all—with you.”
“Wanted,” I mumble to myself, chewing on the finality of the word.
