Page 28 of Avoiding Temptation
We stand like that for the longest time with just our breaths filling the silent space around us. He might not be saying any words, but I can’t help feeling like he’s making promises. I already know they’re not ones he can keep.
“This isn’t over, Quinn.”
With those words ringing in my ears, he releases me and walks from the flat.
The second the door shuts behind him, all the air leaves my lungs.
What the fuck did I just do?
Without even looking at the sofa where only minutes ago I was sleeping in his arms, I run towards the bathroom. I turn the shower on and allow the steam to fill the small room as I rest my palms on the basin and hang my head.
I just sent away the one person with the ability to make me forget. To make me feel safe. To make me feel alive.
I know it might be the right thing to do—I can’t lose my career; it’s the only thing I have right now—but fuck, this hurts.
I lift one hand to my chest and rub at the ache which is only getting worse the longer I’m alone. My hand trembles, and I try to ignore it. I’m used to the fear. It’s what’s got me this far, and I refuse to give into it now. I’m not stupid—I know that what I’ve already been through has been the easy bit. What I’ve got to come is only going to be harder.
Risking a look at myself in the steamed up mirror in front of me, I let out a sigh of frustration.
I look like the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve got the hair, the make up, some of the clothes I’ve always dreamed of, but still my past holds me back. Will it always be this way? Will they always have this hold on me? Will I always be forced to live by the fucked up rules and ideals even when I’m miles away?”
I stare into eyes I don’t recognise and pray to whomever might be listening that after what I did, I’ll be free. That’s all I want. To be free to live the life I’ve always coveted. A life in which the decisions I make are mine and mine alone.
I’ve had a taste of it.Heallowed me a taste, and now I want it more than ever. I’m like a junkie craving my next hit, only the thing I’m craving is what most other people have. A life of their own.
“Fuck,” I bark, slamming my hand down on the porcelain in front of me.
Every muscle in my body aches for me to go running after him, to demand that he returns and holds me, holds my hand through what’s to come, but I know I can’t. And not just because of my career, but because I can’t do it to him. I’ve no doubt he can handle it, but he shouldn’t have to. My past is mine to bear; it shouldn’t weigh down anyone else. It’s already destroyed too many lives.
I hate to do it, but I step into the shower and allow the water to wash away what’s left of Joe. His scent rinses from my body as the tears I’d been holding but refusing to cry stream down my face. I learned years ago that it was safe to let it all go when standing under a torrent of water.
The longer I stand there, the weaker my body feels. I’ve not nearly had enough sleep in the last forty-eight hours, and I’m struggling, especially after the orgasms.
My back hits the cold tiles behind me, but I barely feel it against my numb skin as I slide down to the shower tray at my feet. The water continues to trickle over me as images from my past that I’d rather not remember run through my mind, reminding me why I ran when I got an opportunity.
* * *
My body feelslike it’s going to explode as Joe thrusts inside me, his large calloused hands squeezing my breasts as he demands for me to come. My chest heaves as I race closer and closer to the release he wants from me. I’m just about to fall when another face appears as he relentlessly slams into me, over and over until I’m raw.
“Fucking bitch, why won’t you come? Are you fucking broken?”
I fight to keep the tears that are burning my eyes inside as I keep up the facade he expects— that everyone expects—of me.
I moan, hoping it sounds convincing before calling out his name. Bile rushes up my throat at hearing it, but I’ve come to know it’s the only way to make it stop.
His cock pulses inside me, filling me, trying to force me to give him a son to continue his masochistic ways.
Chance will be a fine thing.
I think of those little pills I keep hidden in the lining of my handbag. There’s no way I’ll give that man a baby. I’d rather he killed me before I subjected a kid to the kind of life we live here.
* * *
I suckin a deep breath and sit up. My hand covers my racing heart as the surroundings come into focus.
It was just a dream.Just a dream?A fucking nightmare, more like.
Realising it’s almost lunchtime, I drag my aching body from the sofa I never bothered converting into a bed when I fell onto it last night. I had plans for this weekend. I wanted to be brave and go out and explore. Joe had given me the confidence to embrace my new city, and I was desperate to see some of the sights I’ve only been able to enjoy from a photograph, in a magazine or on the TV up until now, but sitting here with the winter sun shining in through my little window, the last thing I want to do is go out.
