Page 196 of Dangerous Encore
I take another sip of my coffee. It's still sweet, creamy perfection but it isn't easing this. It isn't offering anyinsight.
Violet takes a long sip of her tea. She stares at the green liquid for a long moment then her eyes are on me. "Most people get cold feet. Most people need to think hard before they're sure they're going to legally bind themselves to someone for the rest oftheirlife."
It makes sense. Marriage is a big deal. A binding legal contract. A meaningful symbol. A hell of anexpensiveday.
But—"I think it's more than that. It was in his eyes. In his posture. He doesn't want tomarryme."
"Would that be the worst thing in theworld?"
Of course it would. How am I supposed to deal with my fiancé not wanting tomarryme?
Not wanting foreverwithme?
Not sure he wants to bewithme?
"Icanwait." Really, I can. "But how can he not be sure after threeyears?"
"Some people areneversure."
Maybe.
"It may not beaboutyou."
"But it is. Even if it's about him. He's not talking to me. He's not sharing this with me. He's lockingmeout."
"You're right. There's no excuse for that. But…" Violet looks me in the eyes. "You're lucky you never hatedyourself."
"You really think Kit hateshimself?"
"A part of him, yeah." Her voice gets contemplative. "I blamed myself for what happened to Asher. I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. That I didn't deserve help. But I couldn't articulate those thoughts. It was like I was folding into this little box and throwing away the key… it felt like anything else wastoohard."
"I'm sorry you wentthroughthat."
"I locked Ethan out, but it wasn't because of him. It was me… Maybe Kit can'thelpit."
I bitmylip.
She might beright.
I can give him someleeway.
But I can't live like thisforever.
I can't constantly wonder what he's thinking and why he's locking me out, again. Not after threeyears.
Not with a rock on my ringfinger.
Violet shouldn't know my fiancé better thanIdo.
She looks at me carefully, like she's not sure I'll take this well. "He's been sober for years,hasn'the?"
I nod. It's been three years now.Longer.
"It's been longer for me. Since Asher. But I still have that feeling sometimes. I still worry I'm not enough. That I'mtoxic."
I want to do something to make this easier. But I know Violet, and I know Ican't.
This is something inherhead.
