Page 172 of Dirty Husband
"You're going to lie to him."
She takes one more step toward me. "I know who you are, Shep. I know what you can offer me. Maybe it isn't love. But it's something close."
"It's not—"
"It is. And I want it. I want to fall asleep in your arms. I want to tease you about your coffee. I want to sit on the couch watching movies." She moves closer. Close enough to touch me. But she doesn't. She places her body next to mine. Next to the window. "I want to be your wife. No matter what happened with your stepfather."
I press my hand into the glass. "We don't always get what we want."
"I know. And I know, if you break the contract, there's nothing I can do. No, there is. I can take the ten million. And I will. But I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm not going to spill any of your secrets. Even if I could force you into this, I… well I'm not you. I wouldn't want to." Her eyes find mine. "I love you."
My exhale is too heavy. Too full. There's no air in the room.
It's too hot.
Too bright.
Too fucking loud.
She can't love me. It's not good for her. I need to tell her no, stop, run away.
But there's something holding my tongue. This part of me that's desperate for her love.
And more. Her understanding, her acceptance, her pride.
It wants her to know.
To know and stay.
But it's stupid. She can't know. It's better if she doesn't.
"I won't ask again. About your stepfather. I've never liked him. He always gave me this sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach. I couldn't figure out why. If I think about it… you always clammed up around him. You'd only touch me the days he wasn't around. And when he did interrupt… no matter what we were doing, you always insisted on driving me home."
"Stop," I say. "Don't say it."
Her expression stays soft. "I won't. I won't guess what happened. And you don't have to tell me. I hope you do one day. When you're ready. But if you don't… that's okay."
"I won't."
"Okay." She turns so she's facing me. "It's your battle. I won't pretend I can fight it for you. But that isn't why I'm here. I'm not here to ask you to spill your secrets."
What?
"I hope you do. I hope you trust me one day. I hope you let me shoulder that burden with you. But I can wait."
"You should go."
"No. I love you. I'm not giving up on you."
"You left me—"
"Because you wouldn't stop drinking."
"I had to drink. It was the only way."
Her eyes soften. "I… even if that's true, I'd do it again. I can't be with that version of you. I guess there's an easy out. Find a bottle, tell me it's your new mistress." Her gaze shifts to the clear blue sky. "I won't beg you to change again. I won't beg you to love me. I'm just going to ask one thing. Marry me tomorrow. Marry me, like we planned, and give this a chance. A real one. With no one watching."
"I can't."
