Page 108 of Come Apart
"You can't keep this bottled inside you."
"The whole point of the exercise is to keep everything inside me. That's why you're here."
"Don't be glib."
"I'll be however the fuck I want," she retorts, agitated.
"Okay." I can't let my feelings get in the way. "Be however you want."
That gives her pause.
"I shouldn’t have done this, Luke. I need to fix it."
"How?"
"I have to get rid of it."
"Why?"
She stares out the window, at the bright light falling over the backyard. "Because..."
"Because why?"
She presses her fingers together with a sigh. "Because I do. I can't explain it, but it's so obvious. I'm not allowed to eat cookies. I shouldn’t have eaten it. And I can't sit here with this horrible feeling of fucking up again. I have to do something to fix it."
"You can."
She pushes off the table. "I'm sorry, Luke, but I can't talk right now. I have to... I can't think.”
I grab her arm. "I only have one duty and it's babysitting. You can yell at me if you want. You can hit me. You can spend three hours describing Ryan's sexual prowess. But you are not going anywhere."
She shakes her head. "I can't stay here."
"So we'll go somewhere together."
She shakes her head. She's fighting it. She's drifting back to that other world, but she's fighting it. "Okay." She bites her lip. "Anywhere. Take me anywhere else."
I walk her to my car and I take Lincoln until it turns into Pacific Coast Highway, until we're far into the curves of Malibu. Alyssa is quiet the entire drive. She leans against the window hugging her seat belt. She takes my hand, but her grip is weak.
She's still trapped in her head.
I hate seeing her like this. I hate her being far away from me. I hate her hurting.
But I have to focus on what she needs.
I park on the edge of the highway and walk her down to the beach. We sit on the sand, her attention still slipping away. She's a little calmer, but she's still not here.
I wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly. "I love you, Ally. No matter what."
She doesn't say anything, but she nods, and squeezes me tighter. We stay like that for a long time, our breath and heartbeats blending into the soft roar of waves crashing on the beach.
She calms slowly, clarity returning to her face bit by bit. She's fighting her urge to pull away, fighting hard.
She shakes her head, bringing her gaze to the sand. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"You'd probably be better off with someone normal."
