Page 90 of Come Apart
"Yeah, but I don't need you as much as she does. I mean, suicide attempts." She throws her hands up in the air. "How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?"
I scoot closer to her. "It's not a competition."
She brings her eyes to mine. "Isn't it?"
"No." I roll my shoulders back in a hopeless attempt to ease the tension in my neck. "If you tell me you need me, I'll be there."
There's something in her eyes, but I can't place it. She looks back to the pool and kicks her feet in the water.
Her voice is a whisper. "I needed you."
I shake my head, frustrated.
"You should have waited for me. But I'm here now. Tell me how I can help."
"I don't know."
I rub her shoulders. "We could do the food challenge again. I'll be your babysitter or your distracting human fuck toy."
She smirks. "Maybe." She makes circles with her legs. Tiny little circles. Then big ones. Then she kicks, sending water everywhere. "I'm sorry. I'm not good at this."
"At what?"
"Being in a relationship."
I run my fingers over her wrist. "Yeah?"
She nods. "No one has ever really loved me. Ryan was the only person, and he... it wasn't the same. He did care about me, and he wanted to help me, but only if I could fit into my role."
"That must have been lonely."
"Yeah."
I slide my fingers over her thumb. "What about your mom?"
"She doesn't love anything except the bottle." Her voice is matter-of-fact.
"Do you want to talk about?" I ask.
She kicks the water. "I've had my guard up for so long. It's hard to let it down."
"I get that."
"But I want to." She brings her head back to my shoulder.
I slide my arm around her waist and hold her as closely as I can. "I can be patient."
She nods, kicking the water again.
She wants to talk. She just needs a little encouragement.
I take a deep breath. "How did your eating disorder start?"
She chuckles. "You barely cringed at the words 'eating disorder.'"
"I don't like thinking of you in pain."
She turns her gaze back to the pool. "Are you sure you want to hear about this?"
