Page 11 of Come Apart
Even the wary look in her eyes is all my Alyssa too.
"I want all of it," I say. "I want to eat breakfast with you, and text you on my breaks, and eat dinner with you every night."
"Awfully fixated on meals there."
I frown, frustrated myself now.
"It's not about your... problem."
She gives me that look.
Thatreally?look.
"You mean my eating disorder?" "Yes, your...eating disorder." I don't know why I avoid saying the words. Maybe it's because it sounds so...serious. So real. "It doesn't have anything to do with your recovery." I cover her hand with my own, trying to anchor us. I can feel her pulling away. Not what I want to happen here. "I see a future for us. I see us building our lives together. Buying a house. Picking out furniture. Arguing over how to decorate the bathroom."
Some of the stiffness, the tension, leaves her body.
"Hot pink of course."
"Hot pink is perfect." I run my fingertips over her arm. "I want to travel with you, to run around Europe watching you sip espresso in Italy, while I'm outraged over why I can't find a decent cup of tea in the entire country. I want to watch you agonize over what outfit to wear."
"I don't agonize."
I chuckle, pulling back.
"I'm trying to be romantic here."
"I know. But you shouldn't misrepresent me in your fantasies."
"I've seen you agonize," I insist. "On occasion."
She looks away. She's nervous. "What are you really saying?"
I know she doesn't mean her clothing selection process.
"I don't want you to hear this as an accusation."
"But?" she prods, looking back at me. "But...you act like we're still sneaking around. Like I'm a dirty secret you don't want anyone to know about."
I can see the surprise flash across her face.
"What? No I don't."
I start ticking off the points.
They've been eating away at me, picking at me like a thorn in my side that just won't go away.
"We hang out here or at Laurie's. You refuse to go out for dinner. And it's not about food. You refuse to go out for coffee with me, and I know you'll drink coffee anytime, anywhere. You'll take walks around the marina, but only around the marina."
"I like hanging out here," she interjects.
It's defensive.
"I know you're not ashamed to be with me..."
At least, I don't think she is...
"It's not you." She bites her fingernail. "It's Ryan... because I... well, you were there when I was cheating on him."
