Page 174 of The Baby Bargain
It's good. Sweet and rich with enough bite to relax the tension in my shoulders.
Ariel is here somewhere.
I have no fucking idea where. Or what she's wearing. Or how she's feeling.
We've texted here and there over the last few weeks, but it stayed all business.
She didn't complain about her undergrads. Or gush about her current read. Or bait me with claims of her innocence.
She didn't say shit about our new terms.
Not that I need an explanation. She wears everything in her big, brown eyes.
My stomach churns at the thought of her empty groan.
It shouldn't surprise me that something could feel so good and so bad at the same time.
That's what shit was like for me, before Grace.
I didn't get it. I thought all guys liked all sex. Maybe not with all people—my cousin Daryl came out when he was twelve. But with anyone they found attractive.
Fucking hot chicks is supposed to be a thrill. An accomplishment. A rush.
And it is. For a few minutes.
But after… It was like someone ripped out my soul. I'm left empty, lonely, confused.
The one time I mentioned it to a friend, he looked at me like I had two heads, and complained that I didn't appreciate how good I had it.
Eventually, I stopped trying to get something out of casual fucks.
It wasn't until Grace that I understood why people loved sex. That sense of connection. The thrill of a partner's pleasure. The sound of their groan.
It's music. It's poetry. It's art.
Those quick and dirty fucks with Ariel—
I read a few books about conception. A lot of people get to that point. Where sex is mechanical. Where it's just about making a deposit.
But that wasn't it.
That was something else.
Like every part of my body was desperate to connect with hers and something was stopping it.
Her rules are fair. Smart. Necessary.
Sure, it hurts, but it's worth it if it keeps her safe.
I finish my rum and coke. Pour another. It takes three sips for my head to go to Hunter. He's probably here. He's probably sober.
I'm not worried about him.
For once, I believe he's okay. I actually believe it's possible he'll stay okay.
I don't know where I found this revelation. Only that I need to hold on to it.
I need us to be okay too.
