Page 182 of The Baby Bargain
"I don't." Maybe I should understand, but I don't. I shouldn't want everything with Ariel. I need to protect her. To keep her from my toxic influence. To help her then leave.
"You… you still blame yourself for Grace?"
"Not exactly."
"But you think you're responsible for everyone's happiness?"
"It sounds ridiculous when you say it like that."
"It is ridiculous." Her voice softens. "But I understand… Mostly."
"I don't know. I… I'm working on it."
"Yeah?"
"No." My chuckle breaks up the tension in my jaw. "But I want to."
"I'm not a shrink. I can't… I'm not going to help you sort out your messed up head."
"Good."
"Good." She repeats the word like she doesn't believe it. "I… that's the thing, Chase. I want to. I wanted to tell you 'get over yourself. You can't save someone.' But I want to save you." Her eyes meet mine. "I really like you."
"I like you too." The words feel good on my tongue. It's true. I care about Ariel in ways I don't care about anyone else. I want the world for her. I want the best for her.
"You… do you want something serious?"
"I don't know."
"Oh." Her breath is shaky. "Okay."
"Do you?" I ask. "Want something serious?"
"I guess I don't know either." Her hand goes to her stomach. "I… I can handle my heart breaking, Chase. But if this works… if we… You need to be all in for him. Or not at all."
"Okay."
"Okay?" The furrow in her brow deepens. "Is that a yes or a no?"
Everything inside me screamsyes. Maybe this isn't how I expected fatherhood to go. But it's still everything I want.
A little boy in a baseball uniform.
A girl in a tutu.
Hell, a boy in a tutu. Whatever he wants. Whatever he feels.
Ariel is going to be such a great mom.
I want to be a part of that.
But not if it means fucking up someone else. I can't do that anymore. I can't hurt anyone else.
Her fingers skim my temple. "You don't have to say now."
Good. I have to be sure. I have to know I'll be what's best for this kid. "What if you meet another guy?"
"Because no divorced parents have ever had relationships?" Her fingers skim my chin. "You're… I… I don't want to talk anymore." She slips her hand under my shirt. "Can we?"
