Page 106 of Accidental Husband
"I know what you mean."
"He said there was always something missing." My cheeks flame, but it's not desire. It's the shame I know so well. "That he could tell I was never all in. But he didn't realize it until he found someone who was."
Griff nods with understanding.
"And I… he was right, Griff. I wasn't all in. The only reason I stayed with him… it was because I didn't have to be all in. I mean, seriously, who gets married at twenty-two? In Southern California?"
He chuckles. "Figured you were pregnant."
"Really?"
He nodsyeah.
"You don't think I'd tell you?"
"What else could it be?"
That's a good point. "I… He thought it would be better for his career."
Griff nods. Jackson is older. He was in college when we started dating. Now, he's done with his MBA and ready for the working world. He's supposed to have a wife.
But… I guess it will be someone else.
I didn't want to be married at twenty-two.
But when he asked… it felt inevitable. I wasn't going to do better. I needed to say yes. To get it over with. To numb the part of me that cared about romance and magic and fairy tales.
Right now, I believe. I want to believe. I really do.
It's just…
Tequila and confessions never mix well.
I reach for a change of subject. "We never had good sex. He tried. But he would get frustrated. And I'd feel awkward. I wasn't always present. I guess we didn't connect that way." It was good at first. Not great, but satisfactory. "Honestly, when I first found the lingerie, I was happy. I thought it was for me. That he finally wanted to fix what was… not broken, I guess. But not whole either."
"He didn't make you come?"
"Sometimes." When we first started dating, he didn't care about the scars. But the first time he found a fresh one, he went limp on the spot. He looked at me like I was broken. Said he wasn't in the mood anymore. I was so embarrassed and hurt… I didn't try again.
He didn't try again.
We had sex a dozen times over the last two years.
Less even.
And only from positions where he wouldn't see.
He certainly never put his hands or his face between my legs. Not after that.
"I didn't… it's hard to explain to someone who's never been in a relationship." I try to find all the honesty I can. "I did love him. And we were building this life together. We had all this history. I… I really did love him."
"I know."
"I thought I was all in. Well, as in as I could be. I was the same as him. I didn't realize it could be more." I hug my drink to my chest. "I didn't think… I could never talk to him the way I talk to you."
His eyes bore into mine. "You gave him everything you could."
No, I didn't. I can see that now. See how much my heart has been with Griff. But I can't say that. Not yet. "I thought I did."
