Page 255 of Hooking Up
I don't know.
I need to tell him all of this.
And I need him to accept it.
I can't do anything about the latter. So I guess I have to focus on the former. "I wasn't ready to stop yet. I wasn't ready to let go of my comfortable numb, to feel everything. It got to be this cycle. I felt awful lying to her. Then pathetic for being so weak. Then I'd be more desperate to get out of my head. So I'd do whatever I could get my hands on."
He stares up at the stars.
"There was still a part of me that wanted more. I studied a lot. Managed to pass the GRE. Kept applying to grad schools. Then I got into UCLA. And I was sure that was it. That I'd stop."
"Did you?"
"For a while. Long enough to start classes. Settle into my routine. But Ross was still using. There was always something around. I slipped."
His dark eyes fix on mine. "Why'd you stop?"
"My mom walked in on me shooting up. She started crying. She was worried I was going to die. It was like with Lily, but a million times worse. I knew, no matter what, I couldn't do that to her. So I agreed to go to rehab. And I took off winter quarter. And that was that."
"When did you get out?"
"February."
"Fuck, that's nothing."
"Four months." It feels like it's been an eternity.
"You ever want to use?"
"Sometimes. But it's a passing impulse. The ugly consequences are too fresh." I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. "This, you leaving, whatever we should call it. This has hurt more than anything has in a long time. But I haven't even looked at a bottle. I don't want to be numb anymore. I get it if you don't believe me, if you can't trust me, but I really, really don't want that."
He stares into my eyes.
"Do you believe me?"
"I want to."
"Do you think… I, uh, I wanted to tell you, Walker. I did. But the only person I'd told dropped me as soon as she found out. And being with you, feeling normal, it was everything."
"Yeah, it was."
"After I saw your sister high… you hate her, don't you?"
"Part of me does."
"Is she really sober?"
"Seems that way."
"That's great. Really." I stare back at him. "Would you have left if I told you that night we found your sister?"
"Probably."
"Now?"
"I don't know."
"Oh." I let my eyelids flutter together. I lean into his touch. "I… I think I'm in love with you."
