Page 51 of The First Time
I haven't been this hard in a long, long time.
I haven't wanted sex that was more than a physical release in a long, long time.
I wrap my hand around my cock and I stop trying to push away how badly I want her. My head fills with thoughts of Piper's soft body under mine.
Of her blue eyes filled with pleasure.
Of her teeth sinking into her lips.
Fuck, I come so fast it's embarrassing.
* * *
By the timeI'm dried off, I'm on edge. Doesn't help that I've only got a towel wrapped around my waist. It would be easy to get her back here, to get her in my bed, to get her coming on my face.
I don't usually wear pajamas when I'm alone, but I do wear them nights we stay on the bus. Otherwise, I don't hear the end of it.
Those things are still on the damn bus.
Shit, must have a pair of boxers around here somewhere. I dig through my drawer for twenty minutes. No boxers. But there is something in my bottom drawer, hidden in the pocket of my old leather jacket.
A prescription bottle.
Myprescription bottle.
My Oxy.
And it's half full.
I stare at the thing until my eyes are numb.
It was comfortable, easy, like a warm hug. Not like the physical release of sex but like the kind of sex I only see in the movies— the satisfaction of knowing somebody loves you.
I leave it on the dresser and move into the practice room. It's bare except for a few pieces of equipment and the DIY soundproofing foam glued to the wall.
I press my back into the foam, feeling it mold around me.
If I take those pills, that's it. I'll take the rest tomorrow. I'll find more when I'm out.
There's two weeks before we're back on tour. That's two weeks to feel nothing but that warm, comfortable high...
Things are good now. I can't fuck that up. Even if it means feeling every ugly thing that comes into my brain.
Need to keep my hands busy somehow. I go to the bathroom and get back into my clothes. Now, to play.
I'm back in my practice room when my pants start buzzing. That's my phone.
Piper: I may have sung along with that CD all the way home.
For a second, I feel it, that sense that I belong somewhere. That somebody gives a fuck about me. And it's real. There's always this tinge of hollowness to a high.
But this, this is fucking real.
I need to get rid of these now. I might change my mind when I forget this feeling.
My hands are shaky as I grab the pills off my dresser and walk to the bathroom. I can barely get the cap off. It's so fucking close.
I could wash away everything that hurts...
