Page 403 of The First Time
Blake smiles. Really smiles. It's not joy exactly. It's more like he's relishing his memories of his mom.
I feel the same way. It hurts like hell that she's gone. It's been three years since my parents died, and that still hurts.
But there's more than hurt in my gut.
There are happy memories everywhere.
For the last three years, I've been pushing everything about my parents aside—the pain and the joy.
I can't do that anymore. I need to feel it, all of it, even if it hurts as much as it feels good.
Blake's fingers brush my palm. "You okay?"
"I will be." I pull my hands into my lap. "I'm sorry you lost her."
"Me too."
He drifts into thought about something.
I play with the hem of my dress to keep my attention here. This might be the last time I ever see Blake. I'm going to remember it.
"Stay with me tonight," he says. "I'm going back to the penthouse after the memorial."
I hold his gaze. It's like he's looking deep inside me.
Usually, that makes me feel off-center. Picked apart. But not today. It feels okay. It feels right.
It feels like he really sees me. Kat. Not Super-Girlfriend, but the girl under the makeup and the highlights and the fancy clothes.
I stare back, trying to find the man under the expensive suit and the expression of steel. There are hints of him. He's hurting, and not just over his mom.
For once, I recognize his expression.
He's lonely.
I take a deep breath, weighing my options. "I'll be okay."
His facade cracks. "I know you will. I won't."
"Oh." My heart thuds against my chest.
"I don't want to be alone." He shakes his head "Fuck that. I'd rather be alone than with anyone else." He presses his palm against the table. "I want to be with you tonight."
Oh my. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly "You mean for—" I swallow hard. "—sex? Or for something else?"
"Whatever you want." He presses his lips together. "As long as I can spend tonight with you."
I adjust my dress. It doesn't offer any clarity.
He's hurting and I want to wipe that away. I want to help however I can.
I want the comfort too.
I stare back into those piercing blue eyes. "Okay."
His sigh is heavy with relief. "Thank you."
"It doesn't mean anything. We're not together."
