Page 282 of The First Time
Chapter Thirteen
Once upon a time, before the accident, I would spend weekends exploring the city with my friends. It was exciting just to get out of Brooklyn.
It felt like there was an adventure waiting around every corner.
The last three years, I've been sorely lacking adventure. I work, I read, I play video games with Lizzy.
Whatever happened to what I wanted to do? When I was seventeen, my life was wide open with possibilities. Art school to turn my doodling hobby into a career. A state university to study something practical. English or business, maybe. My best friend, Belle, asked me to take a gap year to travel Europe with her.
It was such an exciting thought. The two of us zipping around Europe, taking in the sights, flirting with different guys in every country. After the accident, all that went out the window. Everything I wanted or needed went out the window. Taking care of Lizzy and keeping us afloat came first.
And now…
I have no idea how to spend my afternoon off. Lizzy and I had a long, chatty brunch, but now she's at work (she refused to quit) and I'm wandering around the park by myself.
I should be ecstatic that the weight around my neck is gone. No more waiting tables. No more mortgage hanging over my head. No more struggling with bills.
I am relieved.
But I'm restless too.
Like I don't have a direction.
What the hell am I supposed to do with my time?
I pull my coat tighter as I lean in to examine a rosebush. Right now, it's all leaves and thorns. It's all the protection and none of the beauty. None of the life.
I'm the same. I've ignored my hobbies, my friends, my dreams. For three years, I've been a machine. Work. Sleep. Taking care of Lizzy.
What if there's nothing else to me?
What if there's no Kat when you strip away the girl desperate to get by?
I close my eyes and try my best to recall a typical week before the accident. School. Homework. Cross-country. I loved losing myself in a long run as the city whizzed by me.
In high school, I took every art elective I could. I was utterly indiscriminate. My parents discouraged art school. Wouldn't pay the bills. But the bills won't need paying soon. I can go to school, get a master's, take a job I love that pays crap. I can ask Belle to give me another chance and pay for a year in Europe.
This money is options.
This money is freedom.
This money is security.
I spend the rest of the afternoon loading up on art books and supplies. The smell of sharpened pencils recalls so many nights spent drawing. I buy one of everything in every color. Markers, ink pens, pastels, watercolors, graphite pencils, acrylics, oils, canvases. Being in the store makes me dizzy. Something about it feels so right.
A call from Blake interrupts my bliss. When I answer, he's all business.
"We're meeting my family tomorrow. I'll send a car to your apartment at four-thirty," he says.
A surge of irritation passes through me. He could ask. He could pretend like he cares that I have my own priorities.
"You're supposed to meet my sister," I say.
"Trust me. You don't want to bring her to dinner. Not with Fiona's mood."
Deep breath. I have to push back to get what I want from Blake. "Then meet her tonight. Come over for dinner."
"I'm entertaining a friend."
