Page 280 of Breaking the Rules

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"Thank you, Mom." I clear my throat. She's right, of course. But—"We discussed that."

"And?"

"He got tested while he—" I can't say he was in rehab. That's his business. "He got tested a few months ago. And he hadn't been with anyone for a while."

"Really?"

"Yeah." I press my lips together. "And you know, I haven't… since Vinnie. And we used a condom. So…"

"Emma."

"Can we not?"

She shakes her head.

"It's… it's not a big deal."

She says nothing, but it's written all over her face.

It is a big deal. A huge deal.

And I'm not selling my apathy.

Not even a little.

I move into the hallway. Find some sort of response. Something to say besidesI know it's pathetic that I can't admit I was raped. But I can't."This um. It has a really nice bathroom."

"I remember." She follows me into said bathroom.

Which doesn't help me run away from this.

The shower makes me think of that night.

Of trying so hard to scrub it all away.

Of her finding me pruned and crying.

Her voice is soft. "You don't have to admit it, Em. But please stop pretending like it's not a big deal."

"Okay."

"I don't want to scold you. I… I hate this." She brings her hands to my shoulders. "I hate this so much. I hate that he hurt you. I want to kill him."

"Me too."

"It's still hurting you. I hate that the most."

"It's…"

"If you say it's not, I'm going to slam you into that wall."

"Are you into that now?"

"No." She laughs. "Maybe if we switch positions—"

"Gross."

"Brendon could—"

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