Page 171 of Breaking the Rules

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I thought I could trust him.

But I can't.

Not if he's going to run away when I need him most.

I set the bra on the rack. Scan for something that actually suits me. Something that will make me feel like I'm attached to my body.

The black chemise in the front of the store is perfect.

Practical but still sexy.

Still Emma Kane.

I slip into the dressing room to try it on.

I stare back at my reflection until it's a blur of black fabric and pale skin.

It's beautiful.

But it's still so fucking weird.

I buy the lingerie. I tell myself it's an important first step. That I'm reclaiming my body.

But I'm not sure I believe it.

* * *

At home,I lay the chemise on my bed. Next to my dress for Hunter's party. I'm not in the mood to celebrate him, but I'm a woman of my word.

I text Dean to make sure everything is prepped. Despite the tattoo artist's aloof act, he's an excellent party host. And he's really insistent about celebrating birthdays in style.

I move to the bathroom, lock the door, strip out of my work clothes.

I never spend a lot of time staring at myself naked.

I have my insecurities, sure, but I'm usually happy with my body.

Right now…

I feel so naked.

I mean, I know I'm naked.

But I've never felt that way. I was never awkward or shy. I'd walk about the house in nothing. Leave my underwear everywhere. Skip panties if I'd gone too long without doing laundry.

Now, I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

I step into the shower. Turn the water on. Try to scrub away the day.

My hair needs a gentle touch—I'm taking a break from dying it every color in the rainbow to let it grow out, which means it's a classic but plain shade of brown—but I'm rough. Impatient.

I scrub until I'm raw.

I still remember showering that night. Wanting the water to erase everything, but feeling just as violated.

I'd watched enoughLaw and Order SVUto know I was doing all the wrong things.

I should have gone to the hospital, done a rape kit, filed a report.

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