Page 195 of Breaking the Rules
She half-smiles. "Yeah. He showed up."
He did. And it means the world. "I was like him. Obsessed with being the life of the party."
"I remember."
It's easy to forget I've known her for ten years. That she knows exactly who I used to be. Well, the more presentable version of that guy. "I managed work okay. I was buzzed constantly, but I did my best work like that. I was looser. Freer. Less worried about fucking up someone's skin."
She turns her body toward mine.
"Since I was your age, I did whatever it took to stay buzzed. Or wasted. I was running from something. From everything, I guess. There was always this hole in my gut. I don't know if it was my parents' apathy or my inability to connect with my friends or something else entirely. I didn't feel it long enough to understand it."
"Now?"
"I'm still running from it."
"Is it working?"
"No."
Her laugh is soft. Giving. "Maybe you should try casual sex again."
"Em…"
"I don't mean me. I don't… I don't know…" Her smile is more sad than anything. "What happened with your brother?"
"I promised I'd get sober. Didn't. When he figured it out, he kicked me out."
"Oh."
"We lived together back then. He changed the locks. Sent all my stuff to our parents. I convinced them he was overreacting. Used the money I had to get my own place. Drank the rest."
She nods.
"When I ran out of cash, I tried to beg my parents for rent money, but they weren't hearing it. Not unless I went to rehab."
"And you did?"
"Yeah. I thought I'd make it through the thirty days—I thought it was thirty days." I can't help but chuckle. "I thought I'd dry out then go right back to my life."
"But?"
"It's awful, being out of it, needing a drink like you need oxygen. Just better than the alternative."
"You were self-medicating?"
"Yeah." I press my lips together. "I got put on meds. For depression. It's a common thing. I thought it was bullshit, but it helped."
"You're…"
"I don't know. Could be that all the alcohol fucked-up my brain. Could be that I was always drinking my way out of that. I… I'm still not good with feelings."
"I can tell."
My laugh breaks up the tension in my chest.
"So, um… the meds. Is that why you didn't fuck Carpe Diem?"
I arch a brow.
