Page 97 of Rock Me All Night
"How? Tell me how. I want to trust you, Miles. I really do. Tell me what it is you're hiding and I will."
"I can't."
His lips brush my neck. He drags his fingertips over my hips like he's doodling lyrics on a piece of paper.
My racing heart slows. One by one, my muscles relax. I'm a puddle again, melting into him.
The world disappears. It's nothing but us in this bed, our bodies perfectly tangled.
"You sure you don't want to talk about it?" His voice is soft and sweet. It's like he cares, like he's the sensitive Miles who sings all those songs.
I shake my head.
"You might as well," he says. "Since you're not going to get laid."
I let out a growl.
He laughs. "You'll feel better."
"I'll feel better with your cock inside me."
He groans.
Maybe I can convince him. "That's how I need your help. I don't care how you do it, but I need to stop thinking."
"You need to get this off your chest."
My chest does feel heavy. Maybe he's right. "If I do and I still feel like shit, will you admit I'm right?"
"Yeah. But I'm still not gonna be your shiny distraction." His voice wavers like he's considering being my shiny distraction.
I take a deep breath. I can convince him. "There was this patient today. She was young, a teenager. Her mom was with her, screaming, but completely clueless. She had no idea her daughter was a drug addict. There were track marks all over the girl's arms and legs, but Mom had no idea."
"I'm sorry."
"Rosie was the most important person in my life. She was my best friend, and we never lied to each other. That's what our parents did to us. They would lie right to our faces. When my cousin ran off and joined the army, they pretended it wasn't because of a fight with his parents. When my mom lost her job at the hospital, they told me she decided to quit. She was miserable every day she was unemployed, but she said it was fine. Every time anything went wrong, they pretended like it was nothing, like everything was fine. Rosie was older. She'd dealt with it longer, and she saw through it before I did. So she made me swear that we'd never bullshit each other like that."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. And it worked. We got into so many fights over our honesty, but we always made up. When she graduated, everything started going wrong. She said she wanted to take a gap year. It was a lie. An obvious lie I should've called her on. She bombed her MCAT. She spent the next six months studying, but she still bombed it the second time. The third time. She stopped talking about retaking the test. It was like she gave up on being a doctor. It was the first time she failed at anything, and she was miserable about it. Miserable with this big, happy,everything is okayexpression. I'm sure she thought she was helping me—my life has been class, work, and studying for the MCAT since sophomore year—but it didn't help. It was just the first lie to drive us apart."
"It's not your fault, Meg. That's what drugs do to people. They get them wrapped up in all this bullshit. Drug addicts are great liars. There's nothing you could have done."
"But that's the thing. It wasn't drugs at first. It was a test. Then it was her future. She gave up."
Miles takes a sharp breath.
"It broke my heart when she died."
"I know." He runs his fingertips over my arm. "I'm sorry."
I swallow hard. "That's why I can't do this with you. Not if you're going to hide something from me."
His breath is low, desperate. "If you knew the whole story, you'd kick me out again."
"That's not true. Do you really trust me that little?"
"No. I trust you more than I trust anyone."
