Page 646 of Rock Me All Night
His attention stays on me as I eat in silence. No napkins. Fuck it, I wipe my hands on my skirt. It needs a wash anyway.
Dad is drinking. This is it. I can't watch him destroy himself. If he decides against getting help, I have to walk away.
He'll die on his own.
Probably in a pile of his own vomit, reeking of beer.
Tears sting my cheeks. I turn away from Pete. I only need to hold it together for the one minute it takes to get to my room.
I grab the edges of my seat and push myself to my feet. My knees buckle. I can't stand. I can barely breathe.
If I do nothing, Daddy is going to die.
I try to choke back my sob. It gets through. I pull my legs to my chest and bury my head between my knees.
Wet footsteps move closer. Then his arms are around me. I want them to feel awful, like an invasion, but they don't. They're warm and comforting.
Pete pulls me off the chair, into his lap.
His lips go to my ear. "It's gonna be okay. Jess, you're gonna be okay."
"You heard everything?"
"Yeah."
"Then how can you say that?" I dig my fingers into his soft cotton t-shirt. That too feels warm and comforting. "You promised you wouldn't lie to me."
"I'm not."
"You need to go." I tell myself to bring my hands back to my lap but the damn things won't cooperate with me. "I can't take you acting like my boyfriend anymore."
"I'm not leaving you to cry alone."
"Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind."
His voice drops to a whisper. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you want me to go and I will."
"It's for the best."
"For who?"
"For my heart. So it doesn't break when you wake up tomorrow and tell me you'll never love me."
His voice softens. "I'm not going to say that."
What the hell does that mean?
I can't stomach his mixed messages. "I can't figure out your intentions right now, Pete. Whatever you want, whatever you're doing, you're going to have to spell it out."
He shifts so we're eye to eye. His deep brown eyes are filled with concern. Like he's miserable that I'm miserable.
He does care about me.
His voice is steady. "I want to hold you. If you want something else, tell me."
He knows I want nothing else. He knows I want him to lend me those comforting arms every time I need solace.
"My dad is gonna die. If I don't do anything, he's gonna die." I stare back into his eyes. "How am I ever going to live with myself?"
