Page 564 of Rock Me All Night
"Will you stop pretending it doesn't hurt that your ex cheated on you?"
"I'm not pretending. Just don't like talking about it." He scoots back. His eyes meet mine. "How long were you with your ex?"
"Almost three years."
"All due respect, but what the fuck were you doing with him for that long? Asshole doesn't even likeHunger Games."
I stare back at him. "I'll tell you if you tell me what you were doing with your ex for six years."
"I loved her."
"I loved Nathan. Or I thought I did. I'm not the one who said I didn't feel my ex in my soul."
"You ever feel something in your soul?"
The question disarms me. There are all sorts of things that hurt somewhere deep. Mom leaving, finding Dad drunk in a pile of his own vomit, that elation of getting into law school then the look on Nathan's face when he told me I had to choose between him and school.
"I don't know. Maybe." My breath breaks up the tension forming in my chest.
"You want to be assertive."
"Yeah."
"So tell me to fuck off or tell me why you were with your ex for three years."
I laugh. "You have a really strange way of wording things."
"Is that afuck off?"
I shake my head. It's difficult to talk about Nathan. I can see, in hindsight, how awful our relationship was. But I missed every single sign.
His voice softens. "Not trying to judge you. Just want to know where you hurt."
A million feelings swirl inside me. He wants to know where I hurt? He might as well sayI love you and I want to take your pain away. I feel light. I feel like I can fly. The thought of Pete loving me…
It's intoxicating.
But it's not true. I can't get ahead of myself. I roll my shoulders back to break up the tension taking hold of my shoulders. "Nathan was charming. And nobody ever really paid attention to me. He was popular, funny, smart. I didn't have a clue what relationships were supposed to be like, what love looked like. I thought it was normal, the way he'd convince me his way was best, the way he put his needs first. I figured all guys were like that. Or else why would Mom leave?"
"Shit. I'm being an asshole. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, but you're right. I was with him for a long time because I thought that he loved me and that I loved him. I thought that he cared about me. But he didn't. How could I have been so blind to that? I was nineteen when we started dating. I was old enough to know better." My stomach clenches. It feels so pathetic looking back on it.
Will Pete think less of me for being spineless? I wouldn't tell anyone else. But I want him to know me, to know where I hurt.
And I want to know him. I want to know every single place he hurts. If he'll ever reveal them to me.
I take a deep breath. "When I got into law school, I thought he'd be happy for me. But he wasn't. I got into NYU. I would have stayed in New York for him. But he didn't want me to be a lawyer. He wanted me to be his wife, to stay home and take care of his kids, and always put him first."
"That's fucked up."
"You don't want that?"
His brow furrows. "Is that what you think of me?"
"No, I… I just thought. I don't know." I trip over my tongue. "I guess I don't know what adult relationships are supposed to look like. Not that it matters. We're… we're not together that way."
"Whatever you want to call this, we're equals. I always want to know what you want." His eyes turn down. "I'd never get in your way like that."
