Page 411 of Rock Me All Night
A hot pink vibrator.
For a solid thirty seconds, I'm speechless. "You're going to have to explain this to me."
"You haven't had sex in six years."
"I'm aware."
"Do you have any sex toys?"
"No." I reach for my phone. I need to hang up this call so I can think straight. This isn't hot and cold. This is Death Valley and Antarctica. This is absolute zero and melting gold.
"I'm sure you're very capable with your hands, but six years is a long fucking time to not feel any desire. Any pleasure." There's no irony in his voice. He's totally earnest. "You deserve better than that. You deserve to feel so good you could die."
"And you're the one who should get me there?"
He's quiet for a minute. "The point of the toy isn't something to do together on long drives. It's so you can take your time figuring out what you like."
My muscles relax. "Why, Tom? Why did you touch me?"
"You wanted me to."
"That's it?"
"No. I wanted to."
I pull my knees into my chest. "What about my feelings?"
His voice softens. "I don't want to hurt your feelings, kid. I care about you."
My stomach clenches. I don't like where this is going.
"I've never done the boyfriend/girlfriend thing before. Never even considered it."
"We don't have to jump to that," I say. "We can be friends who fool around. See where it goes."
"Maybe." He lets out an anguished groan. "This is new for me. I want what's best for you. Not sure that's me."
"How could it not be you?"
"I'm not the kind of guy you should be with."
Tom is usually a pillar of confidence. Does he really believe he's not what's best for me? That he's not the best fucking thing in the world for me? I take a deep breath.
"I'm not going to be around the next few weeks. Pete and I are mostly going to be home with Mom. Next three, four shows we're flying in morning of and leaving for the airport five minutes after the encore." He takes a deep breath. "You should focus on your photography. We can talk once I'm back."
"Is everything okay with your Mom?"
"Not sure yet. I'll tell you once I know."
"I'm going to ask you something," I say. "Will you promise to answer honestly?"
"Yeah."
"What do you want? Right now, in this moment? Even if it's selfish. Even if it's not what you think is best for me or anyone else."
"Besides the ability to teleport?"
"Yeah."
"I want you to use that vibrator to come until you can't take it anymore."
My cheek flush. My exhaustion has my defenses down. It makes me bold. "Do you want to listen?"
He groans. "God, yes."
