Page 46 of Covert
She didn't want this at all.
She was just being kind.
What the fuck was I thinking? Why in the world would I think a woman as perfect as Nikki could ever want me?
I pull away with a start, so terrified that the edges of my vision are starting to blacken.
I'm starting to shake. I grab both of her wrists, ready to pull them off of me and get the hell out of there. But before I can, her lips are on mine again. She doesn't move at first, letting me come back to my body and focus just on where our lips are touching. Slowly, she starts melding them against mine, and my hands fall to her hips.
Maybe I was wrong? Why would she tell me to stop and then kiss me again?
"Hey," her sweet voice says, both hands bracketing my face. "Don't do that. Don't go there. I'm just checking in on you. I just want to take things slow so you're comfortable," she says, resting a tiny hand against my chest. Dark brown eyes find mine. "Your heart is racing. Are you okay?"
And just like that, the balloon of anxiety in my chest pops. She's worried about me. She's worried about how I feel - about slowing down so I don't freak out. This could not be more opposite of Samantha. Samantha only cared about herself. I was taking up too much of our foster mom's attention, so she decided she had to get rid of me, and she didn't care about destroying my life in the process.
I nod, stupefied. "I... uh... yeah..." I say dumbly, but she smiles.
She brings one of my meaty hands to rest between her breasts, and I swallow. "My heart's racing, too."
And I can feel it. There's a flurry of a hummingbird's wings, just under her ribs. She's as affected by this as I am.
"Wait. Give me your phone," she says, pulling back. This time, the panic doesn't come because I know she's coming back. She wants this just as much as I do.
"What?"
"Your phone, give it to me," she says impatiently, holding her hand out for it.
I grab it from my nightstand, the twist pressing my aching cock against her more, and the moan she lets out makes me even harder. I unlock my phone and hand it to her. I have nothing to hide from thiswoman, except my porn searches. But fuck that, maybe she'd be into watching porn together.
She swings her leg over to join the other and stands. I go to protest, but she doesn't let me.
She flicks to the camera app and sets my phone up against my bookshelf. It's recording us.
"That way, you have proof of nothing but myenthusiasticconsent."
It's the proof I didn't have. It's the proof I didn't know I needed. And it's the final piece of the puzzle that fully lets me relax. She's given me all the tools I need to get out of my own head and just be a man with a woman.
She walks back to the bed, a sexy, playful swing to her hips.
"Hey, big guy," she purrs, resting her hands on my shoulders and swinging her leg back over my lap. "Come here often?"
I appreciate that she's trying to bring levity to our tense situation. This delicate push and pull between us. We both want each other, but have no idea what that looks like. Do the clothes stay on? Come off? How far are we going to go? Just make out? All the way?
"I've… never done this before," I rush out on a breath. I cringe. Why the fuck did I just say that? She's not asking for sex. This isn't sex. I don't think. I just… I need her to know that if this becomes sex, I don't have the first clue what I'm doing. I've watched plenty of porn, but am also aware enough to know that it's fake.
I watch as her brain figures out what I mean.
"Oh my God. You were fifteen when you went to prison. And then you came out afraid of touch. Beckett, are you a virgin?"
Heat blasts up my neck and into my cheeks in embarrassment. She didn't ask it with any judgment. But I am embarrassed nonetheless.
Her forehead hits my shoulder, and she groans. "God, the woman that's going to get you is one lucky bitch."
You! You could get me! You could have me for the rest of my life! Choose me! Be with me!
Yeah, I'd give her the rest of my life. I'd give her everything. Because I am not half in love with her already. I am fully in love with her. She's kind and sweet and funny and strong and feisty. She saw me as the man I desperately wanted to be. She saw the potential in me, and instead of being disappointed that I was less, she bulldozed into my life and patiently helped me become more.
More.
