Page 41 of Covert
I hope she finally found the rest she deserved.
"I'm not afraid of you," the tiny woman in front of me says, pulling me out of my memories.
"Why the fuck not?!" I shout again, angry at the world, angry at her for not having more self-preservation sense, and angry at myself, for my mom, for Nat, for yelling at Nikki.
"I could take you."
I scoff, incredulously.
"Your sister? That's the one Axel looks for, isn't she?" Her tone is small, sad, and tender, and it only pisses me off more.
I pound the brick above her head. That at least causes her to flinch.
"Why the fuck do you care?" I growl.
Two small, delicate hands are placed on my pecs, and she does the last thing I was ever expecting. She wraps them around my neck and steps into me, hugging me. She presses her face into my chest, and I freeze. Stupid woman, she should be running away from me, calling for help. What the fuck is she thinking?
I go to pull her arms off of me, but she speaks. "I lost someone close to me, too. I know what it feels like." I still. Who did she lose? When did she lose them? A brother? A sister? A friend? A boyfriend?
"Who did you lose?" My hand drops to her lower back as I hold her begrudgingly in a hug. Her pity makes me almost as uncomfortable as her knowing about Nat, but her understanding, her touch, has the redhaze in my vision retreating. It's still close to the surface, though, in case I need it.
"My brother. When I ran, he couldn't come with me, and I miss him every day. It never gets easier, does it? Walking around with a them-shaped hole in your heart?"
The fight drains from me entirely. "No. No, it doesn't."
We hold each other for what feels like hours, but I'm sure is just minutes. It's both too short and too long. We don't talk. We don't need to. She left her brother behind, in a probably not-safe place. My sister was taken and, if she's even still alive, is in a not-safe place. I try not to think about what she could be going through right now. Sometimes, death is better.
But the small woman in front of me, who's not afraid of anything and who understands my loss better than most, doesn't judge me.
She just holds me.
And it's everything I didn't know I needed.
Chapter twenty-one
Axel
Nikki has started sleeping on my chest every night, and she has no idea how much it means to me. I've been looking for Natalie for years now. I should have given up a long time ago. The chances of her being found alive are slim to none. But the ache in my chest from her loss doesn't let me sleep at night, anyway, so I search. And I search.
The next night, Nikki sneaks in after dinner and after the others have gone to bed.
"You bought this?" she asks, excitedly pointing to the couch-like office chair I bought for us. Sleeping upright can't be comfortable for her, but there's enough room for her to curl up in this chair, preferably with her head in my lap.
"Do you like it?"
Uncertainty passes across her face. "Do you not like me lying on you? God, I never even asked, did I? Just plastered myself to you like a damn koala."
I shake my head to interrupt her rant. "Having you with me has made these nights bearable. I love having you here with me. I just wanted you to be comfortable, but still keep you close." I sit and motion for her to join me.
She curls up in the spot I left for her and rests her head in my lap. My right hand moves the mouse and types, looking for more skin auctions or websites, but my left brushes through Nikki's soft, black hair.
I think she's fallen asleep, but her voice calls from my lap. "Who was she to you?"
Not, 'who was she?' I already told her I couldn't answer that. But I can tell her who she was to me.
I tug down the old, faded picture of Natalie that I had taped to my monitor and hand it to her. She takes it and turns it sideways so she can see it better.
"The first girl I ever fell in love with," I whisper, feeling her hair to comfort myself. "Natalie. We were neighbors growing up..." I trail off. There isn't much more to say. At least, not for my part of the story.
