Page 39 of Covert
"You're a fucking monster!" I shout back, tears streaming down my face. I can't believe I thought he was a good guy. I can't believe I had sex with him. My heart clenches in on itself painfully. I really liked Axel.
What sounds like Axel's forehead hits the door next. I'll wait for him to leave. He'll have to eventually, and then I'm gone.
"I'm not bidding, Nikki. I'm looking for someone on the dark web. I was making sure that wasn't her they were bidding on."
I sit back on my haunches and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. That actually sounds more plausible than Axel and the boys being part of the skin trade.
I stand and walk to the door, still shaky from dry heaving and the image that is now seared to the back of my mind. I open the door just a few inches. I can slam it shut again if he makes a move.
His face is hollow, the dark bags under his eyes darker, and his usually playful expression completely gone. He looks sad, tired, and stressed. I want to hold him.
"Who is she?" I hate how small my voice is; how much hope there is in it. God, I want him to be telling the truth. I want him to be the good guy—the version of him I thought I knew. I desperately want him to prove to me that he wasn't lying.
He looks to the side, avoiding eye contact, and I bristle. I'm about to slam the door in his face and call him a liar, but he speaks up before I can. "It's not my story to tell, but it's someone really important to us. To me."
I don't like that he's keeping secrets, but then so am I.
"You promise?" It sounds so juvenile, but I want to believe him. I do believe him. The man in front of me is weary and exhausted, not someone excited about purchasing a new plaything.
I open the door fully, and he gives me a sad smile. "Yeah, I promise." There's nothing but honesty in his eyes and the sad slump of his shoulders.
I look behind him, back into his room. I want to hold him, comfort him, tell him it'll all be okay. But then, it's already not, is it? Not if he's looking for someone he cares about in a skin auction on the dark web.
I step into him and wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head on his chest. His arms wrap around me instantly, and he sighs in relief. He sags against me, and I brace myself to hold some of his weight.
"Thank you," he whispers.
"Can I stay with you tonight?" I whisper back.
"Yeah?" he starts to slip back into his fun, flirty persona, but I shake my head.
"Not like that. You shouldn't be alone when you're doing stuff like that."
I don't know what he's seen, sitting alone in his room. The horrors that this world holds. The evil that exists in the underbelly of this world.
His smile falls again, but it's more like the release of a mask. "Yeah, I'd like that."
I hold his hand and lead him back to his bedroom. I debate just sleeping in his bed, but I want to be closer to him. I sit him back on his chair, avoiding looking at the screen at all in case my dinner decides to revisit.
And I climb into his lap, wrapping myself around him like a koala. It's not sexual, it's meant to be comforting, and I think it works. He relaxes again underneath me and runs a hand down my hair.
I must have fallen asleep like that, because when I wake the next morning, I'm tucked into Axel's bed and he's nowhere to be seen.
Chapter nineteen
Beckett
Work the next day feels lighter. There's hope at the end of the tunnel. Nikki and I spent a solid couple of minutes touching. And I know it was basically a lame version of holding hands. But it worked. After the initial panic, my heart rate evened out, and I was okay. I've memorized the shape and heat of her tiny hand in mine. I can finally see a future in which I might be able to touch and be touched, to be alone with a woman and not so afraid.
The smiles she gives me now are shy and accompanied with a blush. I can tell she's equally proud of us and a bit timid. Because now we have a standing "touch date" planned for every night, and I find myself looking forward to them more than I thought I would.
After work, we drive back home, Nikki riding on Maddox's bike. I know they slept together, but I don't know what's going on with their relationship beyond the physical. I know he likes her and wants her, but is afraid to admit to even himself that she's wormed her way into his heart. After Natalie, I understand why it would be hard to let someone in and risk losing them again.
But Nikki's here, and sticking around, and with how charming and sweet and sassy she is, it's only a matter of time.
We get home from work, and I head to the kitchen to start cooking. When I got out of prison and moved in with Axel and Maddox, we were eighteen and nineteen. We had enough money to rent a tiny apartment together, but none of us knew how to cook. Ramen and macand cheese got old quickly, so I made it a mission to learn how to cook.
I took books out of the library, experimented, failed, practiced, and eventually got pretty good at it. It's a smooth, calming practice that helps me relax at the end of the day. And
