Page 33 of Bottoms
I looked to the room's shadows, searching for his watchful eyes. Plenty of men with glasses and even more with slicked-back dark hair. But I knew when my eyes landed on him that I had finally found Colten. He sat alone in the shadows, sipping on his glass of dark liquid. His eyes hunted the room, and at least he wasn’t only looking at the hired help. His eyes searched through the elegantly dressed women, who willingly shackled themselves to rich men with criminal tastes.
I couldn’t say much, considering I was just like them. I was sure each of them had excuses for why their monster wasn’t as bad as the others lurking inside these walls. The same way I felt about the men I called mine.
I turned my back on Colten before his eyes reached my part of the room, putting my gloved hands on the bar to steady me as I closed my eyes and fought the panic. It wasn’t working, just like the three shots I had, hadn’t worked. I grabbed the bottle for another round and considered asking Fynn to take me outside for a cigarette in the evening air to clear my head. After downing my fourth drink, the warmth of the alcohol started to wash away some of my dread. It was a lot easier to think when I had fewer voices shouting at me.
If I went outside, I would end up in the car. I didn’t want to run away like a scared child, consumed by the fears of everything that could go wrong. I had been my own enabler, sheltering myself from pain while I focused on taking care of everyone else around me.
Mrs. White took care of herself first.
Closing my eyes while I filled my lungs with a centering breath, I opened them, ready for more of this test. It wasn’t a game anymore. Though, with Fynn, the lines blurred between entertainment and self-discovery. He was constantly teaching me more about myself and, as a consequence, how low my bar of standards had fallen. No wonder everyone else put me last when I was the first to stand up and discount my needs just because going after them was uncomfortable.
I hyped myself up, chasing away the feelings of rejection and thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. I needed to see Tanner. He had slipped off to have two naked women grind on him the last time we came to this kind of party, then explained it away. I had accepted his story with feelings of guilt aimed at myself for his situation. I had even given up the right to an exclusive relationship to give him more room for antics. Punishing myself.
Fuck that. I wasn’t the same woman anymore.
I left the bar, but Fynn didn’t follow. Leaving me on my own to heal my past mistakes. I wasn’t sure where I was headed, and I couldn’t remember the hallways Fynn had taken me down, but I remembered some of the paintings we passed. It was like traveling through Bottoms all over again as I tried to remember which way to turn whenever I recognized a piece.
I heard a sound from behind me, and I stopped to turn around, but the hallway was empty. Standing in place, my ears strained, but all I could hear was the loud banging of my heart. I took another step forward, and the quiet creak of a door hinge alerted me a moment before strong arms wrapped around my waist, and the smell of gun oil filled my nose. My body relaxed, allowing Nik to drag me into a room.
He released me as if angry, shutting the door behind us. I didn’t move or breathe as I waited. He stood before me like a dream come to life, only knowing my life would turn out to be another nightmare. His mouth pressed into a thin line as he reached up to grab ahold of my mask, ripping it from my face.
I stood quiet and still, staring into his soft blue eyes. My mind was silent, waiting for him to choose from one of the questions in the queue.
“You’re safe now,” he breathed as he pulled me into his chest. Desperately holding on to me as if he was the one worried that all of this was nothing more than a dream.
My brain stayed in a state of silence since he failed to choose from one of my prepared prompts. My arms wrapped around him, moving on their own to pull myself closer. Hot tears, full of too many emotions, spilled over my lashes as I buried my face in his chest.
“It’s okay now, Vanessa,” Nik said reassuringly, as his hand rubbed my back.
“N—no,” I stammered, pushing off his chest. It wasn’t okay, and it wasn’t going to be okay just because he wanted it to.
His eyes assessed my body as I stepped back, putting more distance between us. I couldn’t let my heart continue feeling the emotions of an impossible rescue. Nik couldn’t make good on any promises. Fynn was absolute.
“Just tell me where Fynn is, and we will take care of him,” Nik said softly.
I crossed my arms against my chest, holding on to myself as I remembered who I was. My gaze turned from his as if I wasn’t interested in anything he had to say.
He got down on his knees to look up at me. His hands reached up to hold on to my waist as he begged me to meet his gaze. “We will make sure he can never hurt you again.”
My eyes found the courage to face him, armed with a burst of anger.
“How exactly do you plan to do that, huh? Is it because you are all trained killers?”
His eyes hardened, but it didn’t stop me from unloading some of the anger that had plagued me for the past few months.
“You lied to me about who you are and all the fucked-up shit you were mixed up in. I would have been safer if I had run off into the streets of New York rather than shacking up with the three of you.” I pushed his hands off me, walking away from Nik. Leaving him kneeling on the floor.
He looked like someone had just killed the puppy he was cuddling with. I felt a tiny piece of myself crack as I looked at his shattered expression. My feet paced back and forth as I fished through my clutch for the pack of cigarettes. Tanner’s dad could go suck himself off before I would apologize for lighting up. I spotted a vase filled with beautiful, exotic flowers and headed over to them.
With the vase in hand, I walked over to the desk that sat further in the room. Pulling the flowers, I tossed them into the wastebasket. Leaving Nik to his own mental conversation, he would decide what was best for him. I hopped onto the top of the expensive wooden desk, placing a cigarette between my lips. Nik watched as I lit the end and pulled in a deep satisfying lung full of burning smoke. I held it in for a moment, and he started to get to his feet.
I blew out the smoke and imagined all the rest of my fears leaving with it. The small scrap of fabric that was my mask sat on the floor next to Nik’s foot, but I didn’t need to hide. Placing the cigarette between my lips, I held it there while my hand continued upward, towards my hair. My finger curled around the plastic strands bitterly as I pulled it off. Revealing who I had really become over these past few months.
“What did he do to you?” Nik’s voice came from somewhere far away while a high-pitched humming noise turned up inside my mind.
My gaze was weary as he took a few slow steps, creeping his way closer to me as if I was a wounded animal.
“Nothing worse than the three of you managed. I thought I looked good with the black hair,” I said with an unhinged smile.
