Page 41 of Tops
13
Let Go
“Youcouldalwayssendhim pictures, too,” I said, looking straight through the camera to talk directly to Tanner. Something inside of me wanted to feel bold for them, to be the type of girl they might have wanted in the first place. Every word spilled from Hannah’s lips over the years had somehow collected into a yarn ball of sexual knowledge and secondhand experience I could pull from. Behind the screen, some of his features were still visible to me as I watched his expression change for a fraction of a second. Every time I managed to shock him, I saw all the tiny cracks in his well-crafted front. I knew how to get to the real Tanner, and now it had become my personal mission to drag that side of him into the light.
Start living in a world of windows, Tanner. They don’t show your reflections as harshly as a mirror.
My gaze shifted back to Colten, whose hand was still gently cupping my cheek. I didn’t want to put a lot of thought into the kind of permissions I just gave Tanner. That was part of this bold new me. When I was with them, I could turn off the part of my mind that worried over every little thing. I wanted more of that addictive quiet head space only they could provide.
Colten leaned in, but instead of going for a kiss, he whispered in my ear, “Are you ready?” He pulled back to look me in the eye; they were full of gentle concern. Despite not knowing them for very long, I understood I could say no right now, and everything would stop. Of course, I may never get to see them again if I were to choose that path. The thought of not allowing them to share part of my life story felt like hooks digging into my heart before ripping it to shreds.
No. I needed them.
I answered his question by pulling his lips back to mine. Everything about this moment had slowed down, and I did not want to slow down. When things were quiet, my mind started working the most, and then the reality of my situation would hit me like a truck. Even with my eyes closed as I melted into the kiss, the flash of Tanner’s phone reminded me I had agreed to be filmed.
I tried to focus back in on Colten’s tongue as it slowly danced with mine. The hand cupping my cheek moved into my hair as I felt Colten easing me back. He followed me down, his weight settling gently on top of me. I allowed my body to melt into the black comforter. His weight on top of mine silenced any last flickers of worry floating through my mind.
The back of my eyelids flashed red as the phone’s light was directed to my face, and I flinched.
“You can do a shoot with her later, but for right now, turn off the fucking flash, man,” Colten said, abruptly ending the kiss to chastise Tanner. The air in the room suddenly felt suffocating as I watched them silently staring at each other.
Tanner turned off the light. His relaxed, calm mask was firmly in place, but I felt Tanner was unhappy with Colten. By the energy bouncing off the walls here, it felt like Tanner was higher up in the hierarchy than Colten.
The tension between the two of them was exciting to watch. Colten was older and, by what I had heard, came from just as prodigious of a family as Tanner. There was a chance that if Tanner were to push Colten far enough, he could very well show himself as the top dog. I almost wanted to see that, for Colten’s sake. It might go a long way toward helping him with his confidence outside the sanctity of his safe place.
Then again, I would be chasing others off him with a stick.
My gaze shifted to Tanner while I considered what he would be like if taken down a peg or two. I decided Tanner belonged right where he was. I wouldn’t have time to discover all his secrets before our arrangement ended, but I wanted to see how far I could push him. If they stayed with me at all. They could take my virginity tonight and leave me in the cold for the hitman to find.
Tanner broke my train of thought as he retreated from his closeup angle and headed back to the chair. He sat down and got himself comfortable. The angle of his phone suggested he was still recording.
“Hey,” Colten said softly, bringing my attention back to him. “You can tell him to stop anytime you want.” He paused to give me a chance to respond. “You can tell me to stop.”
But I didn’t want Tanner to stop, and I certainly didn’t want Colten to stop. The only voice I wanted to stop was the one in my mind, and the only thing I had found to do that was them.
“I don’t know how many times I have to say yes before you all will stop asking me if I want to say no,” I said with a smirk as my hand came up to run through Colten’s dark hair. It was silky and smooth to the touch, and I wondered just how my fingers would feel running through it when he had it styled back and professional for his work. My fingertips curled, gripping the strands to announce my claim.
I thought I heard a light chuckle from the direction Tanner was sitting in, but I wasn’t sure. Maybe if I ever got to see this video I was starring in, I would hear some of the commentaries. The only opposition I had to seeing the video was how I would feel about seeing myself without clothes. I would likely spend too much time being critical to find any of it sexy. Then I could die of embarrassment, knowing others saw how hideous I was.
Colten was still above me, and even after my playful response, he hadn’t resumed touching me. That was why my mind was able to ramble on and on. He looked torn. Maybe he was second-guessing seeing me naked, too.
“Hold on,” Colten muttered before he pulled away from me, and I felt his weight disappear.
The calm sensation left as soon as Colten did. Panic started to prickle at my skin as I worried he had changed his mind and didn’t even want me for sex. He walked over to where Tanner was sitting in the chair. Colten dipped low to whisper something into Tanner’s ear before pulling back to look for a response. Tanner nodded sharply before Colten disappeared into what I would guess to be a closet.
“Come here, Nessa,” Tanner said. He spread his legs wider before patting his thigh. Showing me exactly where he wanted me to sit.
At least they weren’t kicking me out. Maybe Colten remembered he needed a condom. I had an implant, so I knew I was protected on my end. I knew the rigorous testing policy for STDs Tanner implemented on all Tops workers. Hannah was always complaining about it.
I made my way, barefoot, across the vinyl floor. Part of me missed the heated tile of Bottoms. Nudging Tanner’s shined black dress shoe with my toes, attempting to get him to close his legs. He seemed to get the message, but regarded me with a look of confusion before letting me have my way. I climbed into his lap with my knees perched astride him on the seat. My hands resting on either side of his head. We were close enough for my breasts to brush against him occasionally as I held myself above his crotch. He didn’t smile, but the look he gave me was dark and exciting. I was toying with a fine line, daring it to break.
Please break. I need to feel swept up and out of control for once.
“Colten brought up an excellent point,” Tanner started, and the fluttering of butterflies started in my stomach. “You, being a virgin, does make it difficult for us to know what you do or do not like.” He brushed one side of my hair back and off my shoulder before repeating the action on the other side. Everywhere his fingers touched me felt like a lick of flame. I wanted to lunge at him every time his skin touched me. They had been toying with me far too much.
A thin strip of cloth cut off my view of Tanner while I felt something being tied behind my head. The material was smooth and cold, blocking out all light.
“Took you long enough.” I heard Tanner say.
