Page 11 of Laila Manning
“A naughty one,” I answered truthfully, as I helped Gavin stand up in front of me. His sweet blue eyes were bright and round as he tried to balance with my support. “The kind a girl like me shouldn’t be having about anyone.” I sighed, “Let alone Zeke.”
“A sex dream?” Ellie licked her lips and leaned forward on the couch. “You could definitely do worse for sex dream partners than Zeke Evans!” She winked. “The man is sexy.”
“I shouldn’t be having those kinds of dreams about anyone.” I grounded myself, keeping my eyes on Gavin’s innocent blue ones. “Besides, he thinks it was a nightmare, and that just adds to the embarrassment of it all. So, let’s not talk about it. Please.”
“You are allowed to be normal, Laila.” Carly cut in, waiting for me to look at her before she finished. “Women dream of men sexually every single night. It’s normal. You are normal. And you are allowed to enjoy sex. Both physically and mentally.”
“You sound like—”
“Your therapist.” She cut me off. “Because I’m right. And so is she.”
“Are you attracted to Zeke?” Ellie asked, sliding down onto the floor so Gavin could take a few practice steps with our help between us.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
“Try again,” Carly instructed, detecting my lie.
“I don’t know how to be attracted to a man,” I admitted, answering truthfully, without giving anything else away.
“Sex is empowering when we let it be,” Carly said firmly. “What they did to you—,” She paused and shook her head, skipping the words no one in the room needed to hear ever again. “Does not take away your power for the rest of your life. You are powerful. You are strong.”
“I’m weak.” My gaze fell on Gavin as he retreated. “I can’t even—” I shook my head. “Never mind.”
“Say it,” Carly encouraged. “Get it off your chest.”
I sighed and forced myself to meet her crystal blue eyes, fighting my discomfort to give her something of myself she deserved. “I can’t even stand to be inside a room with anyone,” I looked at Ellie, “Besides the three of you, that is. And even now, I’m on edge and I’m fighting the urge to escape this house completely before someone can imprison me inside of it.” Fighting the urge to claw at my skin until I bled, I took Gavin’s hands in mine and gave him my full attention, desperate to feel something besides the phantom pain of my past. “Every hallway, sidewalk, and path remind me of the torturous nightly walks to face another abuser.” I blinked back stupid tears that I had fought every day for years because they didn’t do me any good either way. “I can’t even walk into Zeke’s apartment without remembering the way it felt to lose my virginity in a horrific way.”
“You’ve never had consensual sex before?” Carly asked gently. "Were you a virgin when they abducted you?"
I swallowed and kept my eyes firmly on Gavin’s perfection. “They stole everything from me.”
“Laila.” Ellie sighed quietly, but I shook my head, and Carly put her hand on her shoulder, silencing whatever pity she was going to throw my way next.
Pity was something I couldn’t stand. I hated it. I’d rather feel the physical pain of torture again than feel someone’s pity, somehow, it felt worse than anything else.
“You are in control of your life now, Laila.” Carly affirmed, like she had been in the room with my therapist every week. “I understand why you feel the way you do right now, but it won’t be like this forever.” She tilted her head and gave me a soft smile. “Look at how far you’ve come already.”
I scoffed, dropping my gaze as self-doubt filled my head. “I’m going backward, not forward.”
“Wrong.” Ellie countered. “You couldn’t even come inside when you first moved here.” She raised her eyebrows at me as she took Gavin back in another handoff. “You locked yourself away in your apartment and didn’t come out for weeks.” She raised her hand, showcasing the interior of Carly’s home. “And now we’re hanging out inside and having girl time.”
“And it physically hurts to do it.” I challenged, hating the way her face pinched at the accusation in my voice. “I’m sorry.” Sighing, I rubbed my forehead.
“What about Jed?” Carly questioned, staring me down. “Besides that first night at the brothel, you didn’t let anyone touch you. Ever.” She raised her eyebrows. “He said you clung to him and cried for a long time the other night.” I groaned at the mental embarrassment that moment of weakness brought upon me. “You don’t realize what that moment,” She shook her head excitedly, “Thattrustyou put in him, did for him right then and there. He came home and clung tomefor hours, sobbing for all the pain he could finally let go of. All from having a piece of you and your relationship back, Laila.” She fell to her knees in front of me, but didn’t touch me, “You are healing decades’ worth of pain and trauma, for both of you, with every singlevictory you make. Every piece of you that you allow us to help you heal, you’re giving him peace, too. All of us. We ache to help you heal as much as you do,” Reaching forward, Carly took my hand, and the contact burned like a jolt of electricity, but I forced myself to stay still and eventually the pain subsided and something else took its place. Something like comfort. “We want you to get every bit of peace and happiness you deserve, because you deserve the fucking world, Laila. And we’re all going to make sure you get it.”
“You make it sound so easy,” I whispered, tightening my hand in hers and reveling in her unwavering support.
“It won’t be easy.” She shook her head. “What I’m asking you to do is painful and traumatic, and I’m not unaware of that. I promise you. But it’s going to be so fucking worth it.” She shook her head as her blue eyes misted over. “And it’s possible. It’s within reach. Your joy and happiness, both in yourself and in a relationship with someone someday, are within reach.”
Chapter 4 – Zeke
Something about Ryker’s gated community in the East Valley always felt unsettling as I drove through it. No matter how many years I’d done it. Technically, I lived in the East Valley too, being that I lived inside Ryker’s estate. But it wasn’t where I belonged.
At least not until lately.
Before the repetitive sameness of the HOA village's tree-lined streets, with their quiet, almost oppressive order, fueled a powerful longing to escape each time I drove through.
Lately, though, I almost looked forward to returning after a long day of skull busting and deal-making.
