Page 18 of João
“I do…I do, João. I understand.”
João, tome cuidado, essa mulher pode ser sua ruina.
There should benothing sexy about the clean lines of a well-groomed jaw, but here I sat, mesmerized by João’s razor-sharp beard. After a beautiful opera, he whisked me to this intimate Asian restaurant, another little gem I’d never seen before. Nestled in a quiet neighborhood, I’d driven past this place several times, never realizing an eatery existed. Candlelight illuminated our table, the dim amber hue giving the entire space an ethereal glow.
“I’m gonna start to think you a little ugly. Every place you’ve taken me is dark,” I chuckled.
“Gisele, you were attracted to me the moment you saw me under the harsh lights of the supermarket, stop playin’,” hesaid calmly. My cheeks warmed at the reminder of our first encounter.
“Goodness, you didn’t have to do me like that.”
“I’m just playin’ with you. Besides, I’m the one who should be worried; I’m going to start thinking I make you cry. This is the second time now.” The glint in his gaze made me think he might enjoy making me cry, and that intrigued me.
“The opera was gorgeous, I couldn’t help myself, and the supermarket? Well, you make it feel better, not worse.”
“So am I your band-aid making your boo-boo better?” he asked, his deep rumble keeping me in my João-induced trance. What was it about this man that managed to make everything fade away, everything but him? His presence felt like the headiest rush, like the spaced-out feeling after going into deep meditative space in the sanctum.
“I guess you do. A lot has happened in my life in the past year and…” He rested his hand palm up, and like a magnet calling to me, my palm rested on top of his.
“I was engaged with my church sweetheart, Jacob—I know, very biblical. I broke our engagement a year ago. I could tell Jacob was in love with someone else. He never did anything wrong. Never stepped out on me, but this other woman… He lit up when he was around her. He’d never done that for me, not even at the beginning of our relationship. I thought I understood love; I thought I understood Jacob. My best friend kept telling me that Jacob was with me because of duty, and I always ignored his comments. Then this woman came, and suddenly Jacob was the most attentive man you’d ever met, but with her. She was new to the church, a single mother, and had some difficulties in her earlier adulthood, some vices she worked to shake. He works as a counselor in our church-funded rehab, and I guess it happened there.
“Once I understood he planned to stay with me regardless of his feelings, something broke. At first, I was going to stay with him. We made sense. We had built a life, we…we knew each other intimately. The only person to know me intimately… Minna—that’s the lady—and Jacob announced their engagement a few months ago. I’ve had to witness their love and their togetherness, all while wondering why Jacob never opened up to me. He hadn’t cheated, at least not physically, but he hurt me nonetheless. And I couldn’t be myself in church anymore, surrounded by them living the life that was supposed to be mine. The choir is gonna sing at their wedding and Jacob’s mom asked me to sing the solos…because ‘Jacob just adores your voice and it would mean a lot to him.’”
Drained after my story, I gathered strength from João’s hold on my hand. He’d listened patiently, his gaze gentle, until I got to the hard part. Once he heard what Jacob’s mom asked for, his eyes tightened in the corners, but he stayed quiet, listening. How wonderful to just be heard without anything but comfort on the other side.
“So you left the only place that felt like home?” he asked, and my eyes burned at the reminder.
“Yeah. The fact that everyone expected me to move forward and be the ‘better person’, to roll over and just take it and be part of their wedding, it was just…too much. I moved on from him, but the way everyone expected me to bend my boundaries… I’d never asked for much from him, Mom, no one. Honestly, I felt betrayed, like I couldn’t even have support from those who saw me grow. They all sided with Jacob and her, and I know it sounds uncharitable of me, but I was angry at everyone for pretending it was all okay.”
“You’re carrying too much on your own. You need someone to hold some of that weight with you,” João said, our food forgotten in front of us as I felt him stripping me bare.
“I… it’s my burden to carry, not anyone else’s. Everyone has their own.”
“Mmm, so you’re a bit of a martyr too, huh?”
I scoffed, the word sticking in my throat like sour candy.
“Not at all; I’m aware of my blessings and I don’t mope. Now it’s time for me to find a new church I feel comfortable in and continue moving on.”
“And then what? Find that God-fearing man to lead you in a life with Christ?”
“Well, it’s always been my future. I…” I had no words. I understood he wasn’t a church-going person. I still felt so connected to him, but how would the future look with a man who didn’t have the type of community I craved?
“I get it. I’m glad you’re open-minded about us. There are many couples of different faiths, or couples where one person goes to church and the other doesn’t,” he said, squeezing my hand. I was supposed to be reassured, but instead, I felt hollow again. My parents had been one of those couples, and in the end, their differences were too vast. My Dad was too reliant on his hard life, and my mother wasn’t willing to condemn her soul even for the man who owned her heart.
“There are…but enough about that. What about you, your lifestyle? Is that a deal-breaker?”
the conversation
JOÃO
Always being one step ahead made me a good Dominant. Somehow, Gisele surprised me.
Maybe that’s why my bluntness superseded my carefulness.
“I don’t mix my kink with my romantic relationships. It’s one or the other,” I said.
“Oh…um…okay. So you have never had a romantic relationship that wasn’t vanilla?” she asked, sitting back in her chair.
